DIEDIEDIEDIE

No one will notice if I die now, huh? because right now everyone is busy being bored. I can go to the bathroom with a knife and die and no one will care and it'll be oh so interesting to watch from hell. :D

Nngh...

ARGH! Whenever I think of Eiji, Alviss, Kukai, or any other minicrushes whether real people or anime characters... D.C (the initials of the person who I apparently actually like as far as the clues point who's other codename is Capitol) bumps into my head in the most annoyingly guilty manner! DX

The frick?!

In this summertime, I've had 2 dreams in which the person I like appeared! DX Which is bad! It makes me want to see him more... then again probably the dreams came cuz I didn't see him recently... I miss him so much... but my angst in life is greatly lessened due to the lack of school, yay. Anyhow, I have a stupid headache because today at the carwash the cars kept glinting light into my eyes and it felt like it was crisping my brain... and the cars started steaming at one point, if you looked really closely you could see where there was water on it the little scarves of steam floating off...

A question for anyone who reads this, if you die, will there be anyone who will be mad at you for dying? Not sad and crying and grieving, not cheerful, but mad at you for dying? For leaving them alone?

Who the fuck am I?

Who am I? What is my facade? My facade used to be my happy self, but now I've had to use it so much, it feels like it practically is me!

Am I the happy, cheery girl I am trying to be at school?
Am I a bloodthirsty person, like I sometimes feel?
Am I this lonely person, ignored by friends, lost in the crowd?
Am I this angsty person, lost in my hate and pain and forever almost alone?
Am I this jealous girl, always wanting to be best and often nearly willing to hurt to be so?
Am I this dreamer, lost in her fantasies, unable to change the real world?

And there's more to that, but I cut it off... cuz I didn't feel like typing more.

I'm so jealous... and ashamed of myself...

You know what? I'm really jealous... a girl from school who I will refer to as K flirts with him... *sigh* And also, a bunch of other things... quick sort-of poem here:

I hate myself.
I hate the way I watch him.
I hate the way I love him, but can't do anything.
I hate the way that I'm sometimes vain.
I hate the way that I stare in a mirror, wanting to be perfect.
I hate the way that I am not perfect.
I hate the way that I want to be perfect.
I hate the way that I hate myself.
I hate the way that I act rude.
I hate the way that I look down on others.
I hate the way that I watch others suffer.
I hate the way that I can't do anything to help.
I hate the way that I feel jealous.
I hate the way that I envy those better than me.
I hate the way that I feel that I want to drag them down.
I hate the way that I begin to think like that.
I hate the way that I have to wage war with myself.
I hate the way that I can't control my jealousy.
I hate the way that I can't control my hate.
I hate the way that I hate others.
I hate the way that I hate myself.
I hate the way that I am such an idiot.
I hate the way that I am blind to the obvious.
I hate the way that I can't stop hating.
I hate eternally.

More quiz things

:)

The German Shepherd is a workaholic. Intent on business, this loyal breed is always on patrol. Suspicious of strangers, she defends her territory with a fierce reproach. When it comes to affection, she is tender and loving toward her pack and feels a deep responsibility for their well-being. Mental and physical exercise both appeal equally to the German Shepherd, and her intelligence is further enhanced by her dedicated nature. When it comes to dependability, the German Shepherd has the market cornered.

Aha, that's nice... I am very very very conceited(if that's the right word) and overprotective of my territory.

Monday
You ar a big planner and you always worry about school. Some advice- losen up a bit and have some fun! You wake up bright and early every day and you LOVE TO READ.

I might have taken it badly, since I also tend to be a procrastinator... but I do love to read!


Cookie!
You are a very nice person! Sometimes you can get a little emotional, and you can be a softy. You never want to hurt someone else's feelings, or insult anybody. It is also hard for you to lie to anyone. Hobbies: Baking, Playing Friend: Milk

I never want to hurt anyone's feelings... unless they piss me off. I can lie... it just gets seen through...


tennis
you are very powerful,everybody wants to watch you, nothing can beat you your so strong your awesome

Lol, not really, but it goes with my newest anime to watch... PoT... :)


Time to ask him out!
This guy you have known for a long time, and you seem comfortable around him, you like him alot, not love. You like him for his amazing personality, and his looks also. So go ahead, make the first move! And if he says no, just remember there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
DON'T MAKE ANY ASSUMPTIONS FROM THIS ONE!!! I think I made a few wrong answers...


Results Three;
You like to think… a lot. You don’t really depend on people, just only when you’re really, really unsure about what to do. You really don’t care what other people think of you and that you move at your own pace.

This quiz was called : How Resilient are you? Hm...


No confidence.
You are very shy and don't like attention. You compare yourself to others and it's ruined your confidence level. Be yourself and meet some friends. Maybe eventually find someone who'll love you for you! But you have to take that first step. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain!
...................................................................


You're Yin!
Yin and yang are complementary opposites within a greater whole- but you're the dark element: You are passive, dark, feminine, downward-seeking, and corresponding to the night.Not to mention you don't mind staring face to face with death(im Yin too!!)

Hm, I'm passive even though I said I'd face danger by attacking it? I'm not that feminine, am I? You can't be too feminine if you enjoy thinking about beheading or stabbing people with a giant sword...


I'll leave it there for now, and now for some angst...

Or rather, mention it. Since right now... It's getting too hard to describe.... I can't put it into words at all...

Broken Forest Heart.

I am so freaking stupid...

Mostly, recently, I've been posting about a boy... how stupid is that? There are more important things in life than boys... anyways, one more thing about that person and then I'm going to actually focus on what's important here. Meaning, letting out my angsty sorrows so that I'll feel better rather than torturing myself over a boy. Anyways...

One shouldn't trust a boy with their heart,

Lest it be scratched,

Shattered,

Broken,

Or lost.

I did so foolishly...

And now I pay for it...

For 私の心 is now...

In pain...

From longing...

And soon it'll collapse.


...................................................................................................yah.

Anyways...

nyeah.....

I haven't got much to say right now...

I'll go drown in my sorrow...

Rat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_(zodiac)

Info about my zodiac sign, the rat. We are cunning, and other intellectual things, and apparently often end up first. However, apparently, we are also cruel, vindictive, Machiavellen, and manipulative. And a lot of other stuff. Read the wiki. Haha, a lot of the evil traits fit me. I only trust a few certain people with REAL important things...

Meanwhile...

HE WAVED AT ME!!!!!

I know I sound like a freaking schoolgirly fangirl, but still...

During his lunchtime...

I go past the cafetorium to go to my Encores (music, art, etc.) and normally he doesn't notice me.

This time though...

I glanced at him...

And he noticed me...

AND HE WAVED AT ME!!!

SQUEEEEE!!!

Lol.

Still...

It somehow made me...

Immensely...

Happy...

God, I sound so stupid now....

And on a somewhat similar subject...

I knitted another pie slice...

And when stuffing it...

I intended it to be a cake rather than a pie this time...

So, on a whim, I made it a wedding cake slice.

It has a white crust/frosting and pink filling/whatever you call the inside of cake.

And on another whim, I wrote on a half of a pink post-it, "I love -insert his name here-."

And I folded the half post-it in half...

And put it in the cake slice when it was stuffed halfway.

Then finished stuffing it,

Then sewed the seam.

So now I have a knitted wedding cake slice with a secret inside it.

Lol.

And on another similar note...

On the school website email thing, I decided to make a draft to be sent to him, but I won't actually send it. I'm going to type random things in it... about him... but when I tried to write a confession... I lost my nerve and deleted that portion of the draft. Even though I never planned to send it... I choked up...

Wow, I'm pathetic.

Guess what?

Haha, guess what? I did a quiz on what heart I had. This is what I got:

Damaged heart
You have a fear of letting someone see the real you. It's okay, because lot's do. You just have to have a little more faith in some people. Maybe you'll find someone to fix your damaged heart! I hope you like your result, sorry if it doesn't match.

This isn't angsty, but I took 'What Beverage are You?' and got

Sweet Tea!
You are sweet and delcious. You are especially great with lemon slices and mint sprigs. Go to McDonalds to taste yourself.

:P

And a Chinese Zodiac Thing:

Personality Occupying the 1st and most prominent position on the Chinese Zodiac, the Rat symbolizes such character traits as wit, imagination and curiosity. Rats have keen observation skills and with those skills they’re able to deduce much about other people and other situations. Overall, Rats are full of energy, talkative and charming but they have a tendency to become aggressive. Rats are full of good advice but they will never share their troubles with others. They are honest individuals and they enjoy living for the moment. They’re also capable of surviving any situation.

Career Extremely perceptive and wise, Rats can focus on the big picture. That ability along with their good judgment enables Rats to solve problems before they arise. Rats focus on titles because titles translate into status and money; two motivating forces. Rats make excellent bosses. Routine halts their creativity so Rats need flexible positions that allow creativity. Good career choices include: administrator, director, manager, entrepreneur, broadcaster, writer, musician, stand-up comedian, politician, lawyer, researcher, and race car driver. Relationships Rats are very charming. They enjoy social activities and because they’re out a lot, they’re always meeting new people. They aren’t good at breaking off relationships however, and this presents problems going forward with new relationships. Anyone hoping to partner with a Rat must be able to keep up with the Rat’s active nature.

The 5 elements

**Metal Rats – Years 1900 and 1960Metal Rats are strong-willed individuals who are determined to get what they want, regardless of the cost. Intensively emotional, their behavior can border on extreme. Possessive feelings, envy and rage can cause problems. Relationships can be problematic as Metal Rats are obstinate.

**Water Rats – Years 1912 and 1972 Water Rats are extremely influential. They’re smart and insightful which makes them excellent at problem-solving. Practical and understanding, Water Rats interact well with and are liked by others.

**Wood Rats – Years 1924 and 1984 Not nearly as self-confident as they appear on the surface, Wood Rats will never expose this vulnerability to others. They’re successful despite their perpetual fear of failing. Wood Rats enjoy being with friends and family and fortunately for them, feelings of love and respect are mutual.

**Fire Rats – Years 1936 and 1996 Fire Rats enjoy being spontaneous. They enjoy traveling and taking on new tasks and will take on practically any new project or adventure simply to avoid any sense of routine and monotony. They’re zestful, spirited, and giving individuals who are well-liked by others.

**Earth Rats – Years 1948 and 2008 Earth Rats prefer a sense of stability, digging in and putting down roots early to help ensure a successful future. They believe that slow and steady is the best approach. Being spontaneous is an inbred trait, but this type of behavior does not suit Earth Rats.

CAPABILIY Rats are compatible with a Dragon and Monkey and incompatible with a Horse

Somehow I got a combination of Wood and Fire Rat................. I was born in Fire and I fit some of the traits but I also fit a lot of the traits of Wood and Metal........

Eye Color and the meaning quiz....

Dark Brown
Your brown comferting eye's say your sweet,caring,warm hearted, talented You are a team player You can give people advice with out a problem even if you haven't found your self in an issue like that before you Comfert your friends in their time of need your Talents are what gets you noticed wether it's your voice or humor style or all of the above you are calm,oragnized,and collected Congrats Boys:Love you your like a god they love that you can chill with the boy's and be yourself and the accept your for being exactly being who you are

Bad spelling, but some of it fits.... although boys do NOT lot me like I'm a god/goddess... I looked at all results, they all say that you will have a good relationship with a boy.... but that doesn't make sense, there will be people who never find their boy... Like an avatar that I saw says, "Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe they have a Prince Charming."

This one's REAAALLY long.... I'll split it apart so it doesn't give you a migraine while you read it.

Boyfriend: Embry
Bestfriend: Leah and Edward
Species/Race : Half Vampire/Human
Thoughts by the characters:
; Bella: She is really shy. It’s hard to just start a conversation with her because she is worried of what people might think of her being half vampire and half human. I like her; she just needs to open up a bit more.
; Edward: She is quiet but I’ve read her thoughts and we have a lot in common. She loves Embry with all her heart just like I love Bella. I think that’s probably why she talks to me a lot when it’s just the two of us around.
; Carlisle: Quiet and shy. I’m glad the pack introduced her to us, she made me see from many different perspectives I’ve never thought about before.
; Esme: I think she is wonderful. She is very polite and never says anything harsh about anyone.
; Alice: I don’t hear her talk much, but we do like to shop together sometimes. She is always buying things for other people instead of herself.
; Jasper: I like someone I can just sit with and not have to talk. Company like that is always enjoyable.
; Emmett: Since it was a shape shifter that imprinted on a vampire slash human, the treaty is broken and we are always welcome down in La Push now. To be honest, she is too shy for my liking. I like her, just don’t know her.
; Rosalie: She thinks about others to much, I went shopping with her and Alice and I don’t even think she bought anything for herself.
; Jacob: Embry has imprinted; and on a leech/human too. Wow, who would have ever guessed that? She is a nice person and always buys me new shoes since I always tear my apart. She is good for Embry; she will make him more generous.
; James: What a coward. Half vampire? Such a thing shouldn’t exist.
; Laurent: What a curious thing. I never knew that could happen.
; Victoria: Despicable.
; Quil: So quiet. But I like her. She always puts others before herself. Like a real friend would.
; Embry: I couldn’t think of a better girl to be within my entire life. I love everything about her. Every freckle, scar and wrinkle on her body. It just makes her more perfect than ever. I can talk to her about anything and not worry about making a fool of myself because I know she accepts for whom I am. She’s never angry about any of the mistakes I make. She just tells me that without those mistakes I wouldn’t be real. It doesn’t bother me one bit that she is part of my mortal enemy. It brings me closer to her and I know that I wouldn’t change that even if I could. I accept her for who she is; shyness and all. I’m hopelessly devoted to her and I don’t care if people call me whipped, because I know that I can’t live without her.

; Sam: I’m just glad that Embry has a girl. Even if she isn’t like us or if she isn’t pure human. Once you’re in love you can’t escape the hold it’s got on you.
; Paul: Embry finally became a man. Ha-ha, even if the girl he is in love with it a little short or words.
; Seth: She is cute. I like how she always looks at everything from different perspectives to come up with a reasonable explanation for something that happened.
; Jared: For a leech/human she isn’t too bad at all. Maybe if she talked more I would know more about her.
; Colin: I can’t say much because I haven’t talk to her a lot. But she is cute.
; Brady: Shy girls are always the best.
; Leah: I finally have a bestfriend that I know won’t trade me in for anything. She has never been through the same situation as I have been in with Sam and Emily but since she thought from my perspective she understand how it feels. She makes me feel good about myself and always catches me when I break down. I would have never thought that my bestfriend would end up being part blood sucker. But I’m glad that she is, because she will always be there for me. I would hang out with leeched for her, because I love her; my bestfriend.

; Rachel: I like having her around; she helps me through a lot of arguments with Paul. And she always makes him feel bad. Ha-ha and it always works because he always apologizes and brings me flowers.
; Kim: She makes the pack happier because she cheers up Leah. Crazy that Embry is in love with a vampire slash human girl. But it’s a good thing; love I mean.
; Claire: Pweeetttty, sooo Pweety.
; Emily: I love having her around. She picks up groceries for me because she can run there in like ten seconds; not even. Not only that, but she gives me advice about Sam. She is less shy than the others think, just talks more around the girls of La Push.
; Billy: I’m a little paranoid about her species but I’m getting use to it. Jake keeps telling me to lighten up.
; Charlie: Bella has a lot of friends over lately. She is one of them, but I don’t hear too much coming from her.
; Mike: She hasn’t ever said a word to me; I think I might have scared her away from the start.

; Eric: Mike did scare her away from the start by asking her out as soon as he seen her. She is a cute girl but has a boyfriend I heard.
; Tyler: Cute girl, but too shy.
; Angela: She is very smart in chemistry and always finishes my homework for me before class. I like her.
; Jessica: Another new student? She is so shy too.
; Aro: I don’t think this species should exist.
; Markus: I agree.
; Caius: So do I.

Haha, so long.... James and Victoria and Aro are mean.... Mike and Brady are pervs... and yeah. Yay for me, I'm the same species as Renesmee!

Rantings on the unfairness of Love.

WHY?!?

LOVE IS SO UNFAIR!!!

It fucking hurts....

I only watch him from afar now....

I haven't spoken to him...

Haha, he doesn't even see me staring at him for long periods of time when I can...

He's so nice, and funny, and awesome...

Even though he hasn't done anything at all to torment me...

I still am tormented.

By longing.

For him....

It hurts...

I've been experimenting with BabelFish right now...

I'll list the way 'broken heart' is written in different languages...

If it translates to 'broken heart' and then when I translate it back, it is still 'broken heart' then I will put it here.

Coração quebrado. Portuguese.

Gebroken Hart Dutch (this is pretty easy to tell it'll translate back...)

Coeur cassé French.

(German and Chinese don't translate, Chinese when I translate back it's 'sad' and German gives me 'defected heart'.)

Σπασμένη καρδιά Greek.

Cuore rotto Italian.

失恋 Japanese (technically, it translated into unrequited love..... which is even better.)

실연 Korean.

Сломленное сердце Russian.

Corazón quebrado Spanish.

... Spanish and Portuguese are similar...

But still...

Love is so unfair!

Not even a heads-up call, just wham! you start feeling strange, confusing, random feelings about a boy.

And then...

And then...

This is possibly the worst choice my heart could ever take...

I hardly speak to this guy!

And even worse!

I might move soon!

And not even get to see him for the rest of the year!

And if I do get to stay here...

I won't...

See him after this year, probably...

Because...

He'll....

Probably go to....

The other high school.

And then...

My heart....

Will be nothing but a faint memory and a handful...

Of tiny, dust sized, but somehow sharp shards...

I hate how I just fell in love like that....

If Love were a sentient being, I would want to do something about it...

Making girls love boys...

And then making the boys ditch the girls.

Or, technically, vice-versa could work too...

Why...

Must we...

Be in so much pain...

For the sake of a boy?

A boy, of all things!

Boys are...

Pigs.

Idiots.

Meanies.

Bullies.

Dense.

Dull.

And stupid.

In general...

But somehow...

The person...

Who I like....

Doesn't seem that way...

He's nice, and funny, and smart... he got 63rd place in the MathCounts competition out of 250. I didn't even make it to where I would be mentioned at all on the school website.

He's too damn perfect.

He's too amazing, too perfect,

For an idiot,

Like me.

I'm so stupid...

Letting myself fantasize...

About maybe him returning my feelings.

That's just plain stupid of me....

Because...

I'm only...

Digger a deeper pit for myself.

He would never want to be with

Someone like me.

Someone who's an idiot, who's self absorbed,

Who can hardly think straight because of a BOY,

Who is ugly,

And stupid.

Such a perfect person as him,

Wouldn't,

Shouldn't,

Notice a fool like me.

Right?

AAAGH!!!!!

Okay, first of all, the day before yesterday, well, you see, there are rumors going around about this one guy who wants to ask me out.... not the 8th grade guy....... and there's a group of 8th graders who always ask me about it. So, the day before yesterday, one of them asked me again, and THE 8TH GRADER THAT I LIKE WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND HE HEARD!!!!!!!!! And in Algebra class afterwards, he seemed tense, although that might have been from something before class started, since I only saw him right as he heard the rumor....

And then.... Today... I became insanely jealous... because there's this one girl who's really chatty and talkative... and she called over to him, "Hey, I saw you yesterday at this one club!" and I was infuriated and jealous... although I calmed down when he said, "I didn't see you there."

btw, from now on, if I say, the guy I like, I usually am referring to the 8th grade one because
I think I really like him... So by the guy I like I mean the 8th grade one unless I specifically state otherwise.

Well...

To my friends Valorona and Alanna Hecateus...

I took into mind what you said...

And even if I don't completely believe it...

I appreciate...

The fact that you guys care.

Especially since...

Everyone else I've cared about...

Has left me behind...

This time, though...

I think I can trust you two...

To not leave me...

Like everyone at school has.

Most of the people outside of school live too far away for me to take comfort... They haven't left me behind, but yet they're too far away for me to take solace in that.

But...

At least...

I think that...

You two and a few others...

Will definitely not leave me.

But I can't be sure...

So I ask that you won't leave me behind...

Like almost everyone else has.


And now, a quick story-poem I came up with while I was sitting with nothing to do a few days ago. I nearly forgot it, but I'll try to put it here. This isn't real, it's just something I came up with.


I lie on the verdant grass, watching the sky.

So beautifully blue.

Sparse clouds drift across, a beautiful fluffy white contrasting against a rich blue.

And I wonder.

How can such beauty exist in a world of such sorrow and pain?

How can it be that the sky is content to look upon this suffering world?

How can the sun shine in a way so lovely,

making the grass around me glow?

If there is so much pain in this world?

I can't understand it.

I suppose it shines for the sake of the good souls in this world.

Those who try to uplift others, those who try to save others.

And those who try to smile and say, "It'll be better." even to those who feel otherwise.

And it probably also shines for those in true love.

Those who have the kind of love in stories...

That will carry them through worlds.

Am I ever meant to feel that way?

Or will I remain here, in the part of the world where it is bright, but I am dark.

Where the sun shines, but I am a void.

Where love blossoms, but I hate.

Because I had hated so many things about this world, after everyone...

Left me.

Alone...

In the darkness...

My only lights...

In the far off distance.

And here, where the sun shines bright but I am a void...

I shed a tear.

And with it, I feel a little bit of my soul float away from me.

And I cry hard.

Letting the tears flow.

Letting my blackened soul release.

I cry for a long time.

When my eyes reopen,

The world is dark with night, but no stars have come out.

And though I released my black soul, it has come back.

And it tries to fill me back up again.

And just as I feel that it is about to overtake me again...

The first star comes out.

And I wish dearly on that star.

"Star-light, Star-bright, first star I see tonight.

I wish... that I...

Would not be alone anymore...

I wish... that I...

Could escape the darkness...

I wish... that I...

Could smile and laugh without hiding the darkness behind me.

And finally,

I wish... that I...

Could have hope that will not be dragged down.

And as my dark soul steals back into me, I feel a spark of hope.

As though the star had heard me.

And given me a piece of itself.

So that I would not become totally lost.

And maybe...

Just maybe...

I could nurture this new piece of me and the star...

Into a new me...

With little darkness.

Maybe...

Just maybe.




And that's the end. I feel not as angsty now... that's good. Please comment and tell me if it's okay... It's probably going to seem horrible when I reread it...

Quick Change

I'd forgotten how the conversation went earlier, and I realized that I typed in the wrong words and really he said something similar but not the same words. I'm editing it as soon as I finish this post.

....

I don't have very long to type this, I'm only on for a few more minutes while I'm supposedly typing out homework. I have a few things I need to say...

First of all, I have the feeling no one is reading this blog at all... that makes me feel like I'm talking to an empty, nonexistent audience...... And that makes me feel cold and alone.....

On a happier note.... well, I think it's happy... although it confuses me... anyways! Today, at Algebra, I was feeling strangely disappointed, because... that person was not there in the beginning. So I was reading because technically we were working on a review but I'd already finished it, so I was looking away from the door and talking to one of my sort-of friends who I'd met recently, and suddenly he walked right past me, and I kinda jerked in surprise... I felt a strange thing then... in the center of my upper left arm, a kind of weird lightning bolt seemed to jerk from their across my chest... it was like the outside was icy and shocking and the inside was kinda warmish and good feeling...

Then also when he was standing in front of my desk to talk to the teacher (my table which I share with another person which I also call my desk is right in front of the board... his table is in the 3rd row from front to back.) and he pointed out that I got a 48/48 on a hard quiz and complimented me... if I were a fangirlish type I would squeal... but that would be slightly pathetic.......

And then, in the end of class, well, you see, yesterday, we had an orchestra concert, with 7th grade, 8th grade, and Rock Orchestra. Rock Orchestra is performing again tomorrow at the Borders at Eastgate, and I'm going tomorrow, and anyways... we we standing next to each other in line to go out, and he asked me if I liked Rock Orchestra (he's in it, along with two of my other minicrushes...) and I said yeah, and I also mentioned that I was going to Borders to watch it again, and he said something like, "Too bad I'm not going. Instead, I'm going to Columbus to watch gymnastics!" And he said it like it was the last thing he wanted to do, which it probably was, so I responded sarcastically, "Have fun!" and he said back, "Shut up, I know where you go to school!" in a sarcastic and funny way, and I burst out laughing.... you probably get why. If you're too dense to realize, we both were in school at the moment. Lol. I'm grinning like a maniac right now....

The majority of my minicrushes I realize are mostly just really good friends. However, there are 3 exceptions to that. One is the obvious one who went to MathCounts (btw we were in 14 place, which is impressive, considering that we have a life after school and don't spend every day studying for the competition our whole lives, like Sycamore and Mason do apparently) and is in my Algebra class and I look for when I'm going to Encores and he's at lunch at the time... I'm only looking because I want to see him, not to talk to him or anything.... The other two exceptions, one is because there are actually rumors going around that he really likes me (a random eighth grader who probably knew my name from Algebra told me I was the only thing that the minicrush talked about)(Oh yeah, all of my minicrushes besides the MathCounts/Algebra one are 7th graders like me) and the other is because he's also smart and funny and nice and kinda like the 8th grade crush... like, he has the same qualities, but in different ways, if you get what I mean....

But why on earth am I talking about my pathetic excuse for a love life? Anyways, I've been channeling my angst into stories right now, leaving little for a blog post, but I'll try to get together those last bits...

You know...
it's pathetic, if you think about it.
The way that I'm always pining after boys.
And boys tend to be heartbreakers in stories, even if not on purpose...
And eventually, I'm going to crack from not admitting my possible feelings....
Because I've been watching my 8th grade crush for a while now...
And he seems so awesome...
And nice...
But...
I don't really know much about him...
I don't know anything about him other than that he plays cello...
Is really nice, funny, and handsome...
Is good at math and competitive...
He seems so damn perfect to me... and I feel that I want to be with him...
But still...
I don't know if he has a girlfriend already...
I don't know if he's even interested at all in girls...
I don't really know the full extent of him at the time...
It's possible that my mind is making false connections between the quizzes and reality...
Oh yeah, I remember a forward from a long time ago.
One part was that you connected people with colors in your mind that meant something.
One color was red, and I didn't have anyone that I associated with red.
The closest I could get was orange... so I put someone down who was orange.
It said, "Red is the color of a person you love."
Which, if the person had actually been connected to red, would have meant I was a lesbian...
-sweatdrop-
but really, I connected her to a yellow-y orange. So I don't think it counts.
But right now...
I think...
That person...
Is connected to the color red in my head...
But...
Is this really...
Right and true?
Do I really and truly love him?
I don't know...
It causes confusion and conflict in me.
I don't know if I really and truly love him or not...
I think I do...
But I don't know...
I don't have enough life experience...
Is it worth it?
To love someone really and truly and accept even if they end up spurning and scorning you for loving them?
Because...
I'm afraid that will happen...
if I tell him how I feel.
But I don't know how I can hold these feelings in me forever.
And next year, he will go to high school.
and here, there are two public high schools.
Which means...
If he goes to the other...
I might never see him again.
I can't stand that thought.
It makes an icy coldness rush through my chest and rise in my throat.
It hurts...
But why does it hurt?
Why should it really matter to me that much?
And...
Is this just hormones?
Or is this true love?
I don't know...

Now I feel all somber and sad... oh yeah! There was something else I wanted to tell you.

On Tuesday, I was on the Activity Bus to get home...
And there was a group of Seventh Graders and a group of Eighth Graders.
They started arguing (and the Eighth Graders said 'sevvies' like it was a bad thing...)
and they started saying weird stuff.
One of the eighth graders was particularly 'evil'... he started cussing and saying inappropriate things.
Like this one:
"Your mother's like a hardware store. 35 cents a screw!" which, as you can tell, made me feel nervous.
There were 2 male eighth graders and 3 females.
And the evil one started making fun of the way that the other male seemed to like one of the females.
Leading to the female denying it.
Leading to the breaking of the male's heart.
Does a broken heart really hurt that much?
He curled up on his seat.
He'd only known the girl for a few weeks, and yet he loved her enough that it would hurt him to the point where, even though he'd been rowdy before, he was extremely quiet...
Seriously, does a broken heart hurt that much?
And if I were to confess my feelings...
Will it hurt me that much, too?
He felt better later, though, because the girl and I both made an effort to cheer him up.

And I've been typing so long, even though I didn't mean to...
I nearly got caught several times.
So now I need to go.
Bye~

Random quote

This is a quote I found in a fanfiction... I am pretty sure that she quoted this from a song... So I'm pretty much quoting a quote. :P

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become!
Help me believe it's not the real me!
Somebody help me tame this animal!


Also, I'm trying to figure out how to put a new cursor on here. It's not working so far though...
-sweatdrop-

EDIT: Another quote from the same fanfic but different chapter:
I can't escape myself...
(I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied...
(So many times I've lied)
But there's still rage inside...
Somebody get me through this nightmare...
I can't control myself!

Oops, there might have been a misunderstanding....

The person who I have a possibly not-so-minicrush on hasn't appeared in any of my dreams. Sorry if you confused him with the other tall person in my dreams!

My most recent dream...

Last night, I had a terrible dream. I had commited suicide by slitting my throat, and there was a ceremony at school to remember me, a few days before the real funeral. All the kids from my school were there, and everyone was all 'cry-y' and 'sad' and stuff, but a lot of it was fake. I could tell. Then my spirit manifested itself in the center of the crowd, but only the kids could see it/me. I was extremely pale, my eyes were frighteningly red, and I had a faint blue-silver aura. And I/it went around, and asked people if they would go to my funeral.

However, everyone had something extremely important that day. There was a giant play, and if they did well at that play, they would get to go to Hollywood and have it recorded and have movie stars watch it and they'd be famous. There was also a soccer game, and there would be scouts there, watching for people who would have the talent to go to a national team and play against the best players in the world. And other things like that. Extremely important things for the others' futures.

So my spirit went around, and asked every kid that I know. Almost all of them chose to go to the important thing to them, rather than my funeral. And after the person in the front finished speaking, all the adults went away, but the kids stayed, and I went up to the podium.

I've been watching this all from a different point of view. Like, I was seperate from my body/spirit. And it's still that way.

My spirit said, "I understand. Your futures are more important than the fact that I'm going to pass into whatever is after death. I understand." And I had the saddest expression on my face, so sad it almost broke my heart, even though technically I would be the person breaking my heart then... which doesn't make sense. Anyways, I looked so sad... and then I faded away. Well, the spirit-me faded away. The me watching was still there. And I saw everyone look guilty for a few moments, then they filed out of the cafetorium (auditorium+cafeteria) and started chatting excitedly about the big event that would happen for them.

Which shows me that I am not an important person to these people. Really, though, I already understood this. To most people, I am just a shadow who happens to flit by at any random moment. I'm neither important nor interesting nor charming. I am simply... nothing. :( And the weird thing is, I think I'm better known in my 8th grade Algebra class, even though I'm a seventh grader, because I did very well on all the tests and I completed a 50 question worksheet in less than 10 minutes that was on a brand-new subject, and because in a Challenger/Challengee game (A person's name is picked out of a bag. They challenge a person. They compete doing a math problem. Whoever wins gets to pick the next name out of the bag.) and I was picked... I didn't know who to challenge, so they all told me to challenge the person who was best at math there... and I beat him by a fraction of a second. LITERALLY. The question was 3 to the negative 4th power.

On the subject of that person... He's... one of my minicrushes... although... that's another topic I'd wanted to talk about... He's really nice... and funny... and cute... and smart... and... tall.
-sweatdrop- But seriously, he's awesome! And call me stupid, but when I was on Quizilla (that's what it's called, isn't it?) I did a quiz called, "Who's the Guy of your Dreams?" Or something like that... anyways, it gave me: Sarcastic Sweet-heart
The guy of your dreams makes you smile when your down. He's the funniest thing in your life, and I don't mean funny looking. When something is bothering you, you go to him first because he cheers you up like no one else can.

And... he fits the description almost perfectly.

I took the quiz again, and varied a few of my answers to next best, and got: Care Giver
Your dream guy is loving and kind. unfortunatly, at first you were a little afriad of him because he wears a lot of black. You enjoy spending time with him, at your house or his. You don't go on fancy dates but just being with him makes your heart flutter.

And I was afraid of him, although because he's SO FREAKING TALL!!! ... Then again, all the eighth graders are tall... maybe I was just overreacting when I first saw him, but...

I first saw him, in fact, at an orchestra concert. After we had played (we being 7th graders, by the way, just something random, the eighth graders call the seventh grade kids who go to eighth grade algebra 'sevvies') The eighth graders played, and while they were waiting for something, the principal said something along the lines of :"Well, while we're waiting, why don't we crack a few jokes? ...I know, I can always count on *His name here* to be funny! -gives microphone to him-" And then he stood up, and he was sooo tall! He plays cello. I highly doubt he noticed me, considering I was one in a hundred. And that was obviously to be expected......

Then I thought I would only see him at orchestra concerts, but then I got into 8th grade Algebra... and lo and behold! He was in the class I went to. :O :P Then all the other stuff happened, and the day before yesterday was the day when the little competition was, and also......... I had MathCounts after school that day. On MathCounts, we are a team of elite (sort of, haha) mathematicians. We're going to go to the competition this weekend. Anyways, he's part of the team, too. However, I can only remember 2 sessions when he'd been actually at the meetings. The day when we tested to see who'd be on the team and who'd be doing single problems and who'd be the alternate. Me and another person (a boy) got the highest score on that test, we both tied with 17 points. And since the team round was most important, I was on the team, the person who'd tied with me was on the team, another girl was on the team... and he was on the team. Then we had several singles, and one alternate.

Then, last session, he'd come. He's a huge joker :D whenever he can, he makes people laugh. And at the session, I didn't know most of the necessary formulas, because when I'd gone to 8th grade Algebra, I'd skipped most of 7th grade math, and although I can calculate really well (I calculated 6 to the fourth power in my head really fast one time) There's no point if you can calculate well if you can't figure out what you need to calculate. So I almost started crying... but I wouldn't let myself. I told the teacher that I didn't know the formulas, (privately) and she said she'd print out a page of formulas for me, and then when we went over the answers, he joked around, and the teacher said, "Be careful, Rebecca is feeling kinda uncertain on these problems." And he said, "Don't worry! I make her laugh. I make her smile." And the teacher said, "Well, that's good." And obviously what he said made me think of the quiz.

He does make me laugh and smile. He makes me feel really really happy. I enjoy being near him. I'm worried that this minicrush might actually be developing into a real crush. But the big problem is, he might go to a different high school than me... And also, I only see him at Algebra class and at MathCounts. So I don't even know if he already has a girlfriend! And I think he probably does. He's the kind of boy that will attract a lot of females... So I'm trying to stop the minicrush from growing. But it's getting hard.

Story Excerpts

Okay, I know I haven't typed a whole lot of angst recently, but that's because school's been quiet, right now it's Sunday and Sunday is the day when I have the least angst (Not too much interference from parents, any school angst is faded by today) so I decided I'm going to make a THIRD blog. My third blog will be excerpts from little stories that I'm writing. ;P Right now I'm in a good mood, so I'll type out a good bit for it. Go check it out! You can just go to my profile and find it, probably.

... Something completely and utterly random.

Okay, two things. First of all, I have noticed a new and disturbing pattern in my dreams... A few weeks ago, I dreamed, 3 nights in a row, dreams in which one of my minicrushes came in. Which was odd. Then, 3 nights ago, I had a dream of another minicrush (I have many minicrushes thanks to puberty and hormones, and it irritates me beyond belief). The next night, I had a dream of the same minicrush. Then, last night, I had a dream of the minicrush who I first dreamed of. It's really annoying.

I can't remember the details of the first 3 dreams. Only 3 scenes stuck with me. One, in an apple orchard, in a video game created by my mind, (whenever I approached someone, a green a button appeared, like in Gamecube games) the minicrush was there, looking at a tree, or more specifically, a green little apple in the tree that was beginning to turn red. I went up to him, talked to him (He turned around kinda like how Runescape NPCs turn around when you talk to him). The conversation was something along the lines of : me: The trees are beautiful, aren't they? Him: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Me: You know, I really need to tell you something.... Him: What? Me: .... Never mind. Or something along those lines, although probably with slightly different wording. Then, a little box popped up, like it might in a video game, saying "You have unlocked a Heart Event! Would you like to activate it now?" and I somehow pressed yes. I walked up right behind him, and then hugged him. Of all things. And then I whispered, "The trees are really, really nice to look at." And he blushed. Which I have never seen the real him do. And I find that shocking. He mumbled something, and then I was about to reply, when suddenly the apple he had been staring at grew and ripened, and it was in the shape of a heart.... I was going to pick it, and then I woke up. Probably I remembered that scene because A. It was embarrassing and B. It was the last scene in the dream, and I tend to remember the last scenes best.

The second scene I can remember was considerably less romantic (Thank god!). He and I and a few more people from some of my classes were on a giant inflatable obstacle/treasure hunt course. We had to find 10 vials of liquid, and something to put it in, and then have someone drink it. So we ran around on the course, found the ten vials, and a beaker, and we poured it together. It exploded with golden light, and then when it was done, it was a golden liquid. They told me I had to drink it, (of course) and so I drank it... and got drunk. In a manner of speaking. Suddenly, I wasn't thinking straight, and I walked around in circles for a while, staring at the ceiling, until my minicrush happened to be in the way of my circle (because I had been making the circle bigger and bigger) and so naturally I tripped, knocked us both down, and I became undrunk as I pitched forwards, so I was perfectly aware that I had fallen on him, and then I woke up. It's less romantic because the only thing that influenced it was the drink (Which I'm assuming was something like enchanted alchohol.)

And then the third scene was the most embarrassing to me... It was raining, and I was walking around with an umbrella, and I saw him passed out in the middle of the road, so I was like, "Oh my god!" and I picked him up somehow (He's a lot taller than me) and carried him to my house (Not my house in real life, for some reason) and I put him in a giant bed in a guest room, and then I noticed that he had a fever, and then I remembered how in a book if you lie with someone with a fever then the fever will go down, so I got in bed (I have no clue why, since in real life I'd wake him up and give him some Tylenol or something) and fell asleep. Then I woke up (in the dream) and he was hugging me from behind. Like, I was facing one side and he was facing towards me and hugging me. We were both fully clothed (So no lemons!) and... I got really surprised, he whispered in my ear, "Thanks," and then I woke up. So. Yeah.

.......................................................................................................................................................................

Then, the more recent dreams I can remember more of.

In the dream 3 nights ago, it was kinda a like Maximum Ride-based dream... Me and and group of people from my school were locked in a small solid metal room with only one door that was chained shut with black chains. I was pacing around the room, kicking stuff, when I stepped on a button and the chains broke. Everyone, of course, raced outside, and then I said, "I'll take charge of anyone with a red wire, everyone with a black wire go with Allison." (Everyone had a wire attached to the back of their shirt) and then the group scattered, with some with me and some fleeing with Allison. We started running down a hallway, but then a vampire/zombie cross came through the door... the walls were a sickly green color that matched the color of the vampire/zombie. My second minicrush (Who is shorter than the first, but still taller than me...) ran past through an opening between the monster and the doorway, and escaped, and everyone else started screaming and running in the other direction. In the commotion, one of the girls fell, and her glasses were knocked to the floor. "Everyone! Get to the bathroom! Be ready to lock the door!" and a wave of people blew past me and headed in the direction I pointed. But the girl who had lost her glasses was still on the ground, searching for them. The monster came up to her, cackling, about to grab her, and I was screaming, "No! Get away from there! Hurry!" when suddenly my minicrush dove back through the doorway and tackled her away from the monster. She grabbed her glasses as she was being pushed away, and then we all ran for the bathroom, and we dove in, and the others closed the door and barricaded it. Then everyone was sitting down, talking, and then my minicrush was suddenly sitting next to me on the floor, and I said, "Good job out there. I wasn't sure what to do..." And he said, "You would have known if you were in a place where you can help. You're an awesome person." And then he leaned in... and I woke up. And I'm glad. Because that would have been severely embarrassing if it had gone on.

The dream the next day was the same minicrush, and I'm going to skip all the stuff before it, because it makes me sad, because I dreamt that I had Pepper (the cutest puppy ever that I only got to have for a weekend) again, but I thought he had run away from someone, and so I'm going to skip that and get to the part with the minicrush.

He was playing a game at a restaurant that I'd been to before it a previous dream, and I wanted to join, then he came out, and we made light conversation, and then we both played the game (bouncing on giant balls, trying to knock others off) and the first time I got really lucky, because I bounced for a while, then I bounced too hard, sailed off, and knocked my minicrush off. So we tied. Then I lost repeatedly after that. Then, we went to the construction area, where there were huge piles of gravel. Our families were chatting a little ways off, and weren't paying attention to us. He was sitting at the base of a pile across from my pile, though I was sitting on top of mine. Then, a truck went by, very slowly, and when it passed, it looked like nothing happened... Until the gravel in his pile collapsed and he was buried. I shrieked, and ran to his pile, and started digging like mad. Eventually, I pulled him out, and he was still breathing, and his eyes fluttered open for a moment, and then he was rushed to a hospital.

The next day in the dream, I was in school, and he noticed me, and I heard him think, "Did she really save me? It seems like it was a dream when I saw her... maybe it was her, maybe I was hallucinating and someone else got me out."

And then last night my dream was unimportant, I just saw the first minicrush I've mentioned, and then after that my house was on fire and he appeared magically and helped us put out the fire.

So, these are the dreams that I've had, and yeah.

This is messed up...

Guess what? A few days ago, I was going upstairs to grab something, and we had visitors downstairs, and my dad was talking about the fucking parent-teacher conference. I was planning on staying upstairs for a short while, not too long, just long enough to wait out the storm. And then, while I was going upstairs, guess what my dad said?

"You need to start focusing on your schoolwork, Rebecca. Right now, you're embarrasing us."

Yeah, he really said that. He said, in front of company, that my performance at school was embarrasing him.

WHAT KIND OF BITCHY PARENT CALLS THEIR KID EMBARRASING IN FRONT OF COMPANY?!?

It really, really, pissed me off. So, naturally, I stayed upstairs for the rest of the time the visitors were here. And then my dad was like, "You were so rude to our guests, you should have come downstairs again." Me, rude? Who's the rude one here? Hello? And then my mom said, "You should have a punishment, but we'll go lightly this time and let you have no punishment." I deserve punishment? When the reason I stayed upstairs was because my goddamned dad had to go and call me fucking embarrasing?

I haven't been able to update recently. I was drowning in angst for the past few days, and I was unable to get to the computer, so my angst was festering inside of me. Now I need to let it out.

It's retarded. The reason I don't finish schoolwork is because of what I said in my first post. I don't want my mom to act disappointed. Then she tells me to go to bed. Then I don't have any time to finish homework. And if I tell her I'm not finished, she'll go like, I'm very disappointed in you, you should have been finished, and then every 20 seconds, she goes, "Are you done yet?"

There's so much angst in my life, I wish I could die. I wish for that very often. But I force myself to hang on. Because I have a goal to accomplish. Because I don't want loved ones to grieve. And most of all, because I have a friend who is in an even worse predicament than me, although it's the same type of predicament, and I can't just leave her to be practically dying from the emotional pain with only a school counseler to comfort her.

btw, Alanna, you can tell people to come to my blog if they want to read angst. It'll ease the traffic on you and I can't be affected by your friends/enemies/neutral people in the outer world.

Sorry.

I'm sorry. I think I went crazy a few minutes ago... I'm okay now.

Similarities between kids now and the Revolutionary War.

I generally prefer not to post twice in one day (spare my poor reader(s) the angst) but I had to type this.

Why do parents govern every bit of a child's life? I'm old enough to understand what is bad and what is good. I'm old enough to make my own decisions... but my parents make them all for me. "You can't go to your friends house." "You can't go outside, it's too cold."(Even though I could just wear a jacket) "Go grab that." "You can't do that, you're not allowed." "Yeah, sure, -insert my name here- would absolutely love going to your house!"(Talking about the house of someone who's pretty much a bitch. Not you Alanna. Or anyone you know.) "Go to church, -insert my name here-,"(talking about the one church which I absolutely hate. Talking about God should be more lively, and the people who talk at that church are anything but lively) "Take care of these little kids, -insert my name here- (I spent that time with a large amount of little kids who delighted it pulling hair, namely, mine.)

It's practically the reason for the Revolutionary War! Doesn't anyone see? My parents don't understand me at all! They don't know how angsty I am, they don't know how much I need help, they don't know how much I actually NEED to read books, they don't know how much I need to be with my REAL friends as much as possible, THEY DON'T KNOW ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT ME!!! Therefore, why should they be the ones making all the decisions of my life? Goddammit, why? It doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love them and all, but they don't understand me at all and shouldn't be making these decisions for me. Or even saying some of the things they say. (Look at post before this one to understand) IT'S FUCKING WRONG!!!

Oh yeah, of course, I get it. I'm just a useless little girl. A piece of shit. No one should care about me. I'm just there to show that my parents are loving and caring and never do anything wrong to me. Oh no, they never say one goddamned fucking bad thing to or about me. NOT!.

Hehe, fucking. What a lovely word. The way it feels like thick, heavy, melted chocolate, sweet and slightly bitter at the same time. It makes me happy, the word. Hah. I don't know why, but right now, it feels good to say it. Haha. Fucking. Hehe...Hehehe.... It rolls. Chocolate. Pumpkins. It rolls like pumpkins, feels like chocolate. Haha. Dementia. Disturbia. Haha. The song is ringing through my head now, like chimes and gongs combined. Chongs. Haha. "Disturbia..." Haha. Now there's another song in my head. I don't remember the name. Hehe. Heeheehee. Yes, I realize I'm going crazy. But that's a good thing. Eventually I'll be insane enough that I'll kill myself. Then I'll be in Hell and I'll be so insane and I'll be giggling so madly that the Devil with beg God to take me back into Heaven. And then God will go, "Hell, no!" Because I won't stop giggling, won't stop being insane, because I know too much about the world too early. And I can't take the pressure alone, but everyone's left me alone, except for people who are too far to help, so now my mind has collapsed, like a tree with too much ice on it. Haha. Chocolate. Fucking. Goddamned retarded. Shit. Fuck. Simile. Tangerines. Oranges. Mike Ikes. Haha. Ahahaha. And then I'll get sent back to Earth, because neither God nor the Devil wants me. And then I'll run around and kill people I hate and commit suicide, but I'll be sent back here because God and the Devil still won't want me.

Hehe. Demented. That's what I am right now. My soul is sagging, coming apart at the seams. I'm coming apart. My sanity is hardly a flicker in my mind anymore. Chocolate. Marshmallows. S'mores. Fuck. Damn. Piss. God. Shit. Bitch. Ass. Asshole. Goddamned Fucking Pissing Asshole of a Bitch. Haha.

There's no reason for anyone to care about me. I'm just your average shit that you see sometimes. Hehe.

No reason for living or dying for me.

"No reason to cry anymore, uh-uh-uh, no reason to die anymore, I got the love of Jesus in my heart!" Uh, no. Church song. Used to make me happy. Now it makes me mad. Who wrote it, anyways? There's always a reason to cry, always a reason to die.

HaHa. hAhAhA. AHAHAHAHAHA. I'm going crazy, there's nothing anyone near me can do about it, tra la laaaa! Hheehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheheheh.

Parent/Teacher Conferences, uggh...

A few days ago, my parents and I went to the Parent/Teacher conferences... It went well enough for my parents, but it was all downhill as far as I was concerned. My teacher was nice, he was helpful, all that yada yada, but he kept going back to the fact that I often (a lot of the time accidentally) forget my homework. I either forget to do it, I decide to do it later and then forget, or I do it and leave it at home by accident. It's so infuriating when I do the last one. Once, on a project, I stayed up until almost TWELVE FREAKIN' O'CLOCK and then guess what? I LEFT IT AT HOME!!!! THAT WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING!!!

And so, we talked to my teacher, talked about how I have oh so much potential (Surely he tells that to EVERYONE) and how I was wasting it all because I dislike homework and how I often forget stuff (Not my fault! It's my brain's fault!) and because I prefer reading and writing as I please rather than doing homework (maybe that's my fault...).

And I know my teacher was well meaning and stuff, but on the way home, with my parents, I honestly could not tell if they meant well or if they really just wanted me to cry. They said things like, "I'm so disappointed in you, -insert my name which you're not supposed to know here-, you should really be doing better, why aren't you doing well?" at first, then it evolved into, "Well, of course, I wasn't really expecting you to win the Spelling Bee anyways," and in my head I was going, "Great, thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. I won the school spelling bee in 5th grade, and I got second place the next year, most people can't do that, why are you trying to put me down?" because that's at least the 5th time he'd told me he didn't expect me to win the Spelling Bee. And then that evolved into, "If you don't start doing better, we'll restrict your reading, and game time" and I felt the need to scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? READING AND VIDEO GAMES ARE PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE ALL MY ANGST IN LIFE!!!" But of course, they're completely unaware of how much their words are killing me, they're even unaware that I'm suffering badly from just about everything.

When I got home, I immediately shut the door, then I spent a long time petting my stuffed animal cats that my aunt brought for me from China, and crying......

And now my mom is screaming at me again, dammit. I have to stop typing now.

A question.

If you had a chance to die, without pain, without sorrow, to simply fade out of life, would you take it? If you simply left the world, left behind all of your own sorrow, your own pain... If the world acted almost self-sealing, and life could continue on with no sorrow because of your leaving... Just leave behind a world that will function almost the same without you, let go of all your sorrow, just allow yourself to be wrapped up in white blankness, eternal sleep? No turmoil. No pain. No sorrow. No thoughts to disrupt. Just white blankness, like the softest blankets, wrapped around your consciousness, protecting you, not suffocating you in any way, just comforting you. If the chance to have that came to you, would you take it?

Gomen-nasai

Sorry, I don't really feel like posting anything today, so what little readers I have will have to go without a dose of angst today. Maybe some other day. Also, I'm thinking about making a blog on recoloring and possibly banner making when I figure it out. If I do make it, check it out sometime.

A Lamentation on the loss of Childhood...

Last night, I was laying in bed, tossing and turning. I thought about how I want things to be the way they had been years ago. I wish that it was back to the time when my mother would tuck me into bed, and say goodnight, and I love yous. Now, I tuck myself into bed, and my mother just stays in her room. When I leave the bathroom and go through her room to get to my room, all we really say is goodnight.

Before that, yesterday, I remenisced about playing in the snow with my brother, pestering him until he would give in and we'd go outside and sled and build snowmen and throw snowballs and make snow angels. Now, he doesn't even live with my family anymore. I don't have anyone to pester to go outside to play. I think this is the first school year I've ever had that I haven't gone out to play in the snow. It saddens me...

I wish it was the past, when my my first friend, who I will refer to as C., lived nearby. We used to be almost in walking distance of each other. Then she moved far away, and it's a long drive to her house, and I hardly see her anymore. Then also, there were the 3 friends I met through her. I will refer to them as T., J., and H. . T. and J. are siblings, which is lucky, since they're close to each other in age and therefore they probably won't be left behind by each other. H. has a sibling too, who was born a little while ago. I've grown closer to T. J. and C. despite their all moving away to pretty much the same spot, in easy walking distance of each other. I'm envious, though, that they get to be so close to each other, and I'm so far away and so friendless. H., though she lives near me, I feel is sort of drifting away from me... Her interests are mostly far from mine, and although we generally have fun playing together, I don't really feel the same connection to her that I feel to C. and J. and T. . And then I have one more real friend, and I shall refer to her as A. Most of you probably will refer to her as Alanna on blogspot. She's one of the few friends I can really really trust with everything. She is able to feel empathy towards me, I think, presumably because she's also rather angsty often. We also enjoy a lot of the same series of books, and we are both people who enjoy fantasy and angst... and a certain something else on fanfiction that is probably not acceptable to write here. Especially considering I'm only a seventh grader. Heh.

There's so much more I want to type, but I'll leave it for later... if anyone other than Alanna reads this, I'm glad you did, and I'm glad you somehow managed to find this even though I didn't tell you. I told Alanna about this, and I'm fairly certain she's the only person who will be reading this. Ja ne.

Quick fix

Actually, there are some people who I consider my friends who are actually good friends. They just live really really really far away.

First post, yippee...

Hello everybody. This blog is to be dedicated to the more emo side of my life......
These days, I have been really really sad, almost wanting to be emo, because of school. At school, when we get homework, I do as much of it as I can, but there's too much, then... when my mom comes home and I'm not finished yet, after fruit time she usually asks me if I'm done yet. If I say yes, she says, then get ready for bed, even if I'm not really finished. But I say yes because I don't want her to yell at me and be disappointed. Whenever I say I'm not finished, she'll be all disappointed and yell at me, and that makes me upset. So then I'll lie, say I'm done, plan on getting up at night to do my work when she's asleep. But I usually don't manage to wake up, and if I do I'm afraid someone will wake up and see me. Then, when that fails, I plan to do it on the bus, but then I don't, because either I'm too lazy or I want/need to talk to someone. Then I think that I'll do it in Advisory (time before real classes), but then we either do an activity or my friend Kayla drags me off or I want to see our new frog in the science room. So I keep missing homework, then my mom gets disappointed in me, and my dad gets disappointed in me, and they yell at me, and I get so upset... I spent a lot of the recent nights crying into my pillow, shouting in my head, "WATASHI WA DAI KIRAI!!!" Which is Japanese for, 'I hate myself!"......... Also there are so many social problems, and none of the people I know who I consider my friends generally have more than a minute or so to talk to me, because one of my friends is really popular and is always talking to someone else, and most of my other friends are friends with her and are always talking to her, and my other good friend has another friend, and is always talking to her. And if I try to talk to my first friend's group, they gossip a lot and I don't understand, and when I do understand when I try to speak either no one hears me or they ignore me or they interrupt me... and my other friend is ALWAYS talking to the other person..............

Nya, this is kinda pointless. It sounds horrible because I originally typed it out with the names, then I decided I couldn't leave the names in there.

I really wish I could die. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all the things I'm worried about right now. I want to get away from everything, just let go... just die and fall away from it, or grow wings and fly away from it.

I have so many problems other than those I mentioned, but... it's all I'll talk about right now. If you ever feel the same way that I feel, that you need to get away from something, even if it means dying or doing the impossible, then tell me and we can try to comfort each other... God knows I need comfort right now. Maybe sometime soon I'll talk again and say some of my other problems. No one's going to find this, after all, except people who I show it to, since it's highly unlikely anyone's going to accidentally find this.