A Lamentation on the loss of Childhood...

Last night, I was laying in bed, tossing and turning. I thought about how I want things to be the way they had been years ago. I wish that it was back to the time when my mother would tuck me into bed, and say goodnight, and I love yous. Now, I tuck myself into bed, and my mother just stays in her room. When I leave the bathroom and go through her room to get to my room, all we really say is goodnight.

Before that, yesterday, I remenisced about playing in the snow with my brother, pestering him until he would give in and we'd go outside and sled and build snowmen and throw snowballs and make snow angels. Now, he doesn't even live with my family anymore. I don't have anyone to pester to go outside to play. I think this is the first school year I've ever had that I haven't gone out to play in the snow. It saddens me...

I wish it was the past, when my my first friend, who I will refer to as C., lived nearby. We used to be almost in walking distance of each other. Then she moved far away, and it's a long drive to her house, and I hardly see her anymore. Then also, there were the 3 friends I met through her. I will refer to them as T., J., and H. . T. and J. are siblings, which is lucky, since they're close to each other in age and therefore they probably won't be left behind by each other. H. has a sibling too, who was born a little while ago. I've grown closer to T. J. and C. despite their all moving away to pretty much the same spot, in easy walking distance of each other. I'm envious, though, that they get to be so close to each other, and I'm so far away and so friendless. H., though she lives near me, I feel is sort of drifting away from me... Her interests are mostly far from mine, and although we generally have fun playing together, I don't really feel the same connection to her that I feel to C. and J. and T. . And then I have one more real friend, and I shall refer to her as A. Most of you probably will refer to her as Alanna on blogspot. She's one of the few friends I can really really trust with everything. She is able to feel empathy towards me, I think, presumably because she's also rather angsty often. We also enjoy a lot of the same series of books, and we are both people who enjoy fantasy and angst... and a certain something else on fanfiction that is probably not acceptable to write here. Especially considering I'm only a seventh grader. Heh.

There's so much more I want to type, but I'll leave it for later... if anyone other than Alanna reads this, I'm glad you did, and I'm glad you somehow managed to find this even though I didn't tell you. I told Alanna about this, and I'm fairly certain she's the only person who will be reading this. Ja ne.

Quick fix

Actually, there are some people who I consider my friends who are actually good friends. They just live really really really far away.

First post, yippee...

Hello everybody. This blog is to be dedicated to the more emo side of my life......
These days, I have been really really sad, almost wanting to be emo, because of school. At school, when we get homework, I do as much of it as I can, but there's too much, then... when my mom comes home and I'm not finished yet, after fruit time she usually asks me if I'm done yet. If I say yes, she says, then get ready for bed, even if I'm not really finished. But I say yes because I don't want her to yell at me and be disappointed. Whenever I say I'm not finished, she'll be all disappointed and yell at me, and that makes me upset. So then I'll lie, say I'm done, plan on getting up at night to do my work when she's asleep. But I usually don't manage to wake up, and if I do I'm afraid someone will wake up and see me. Then, when that fails, I plan to do it on the bus, but then I don't, because either I'm too lazy or I want/need to talk to someone. Then I think that I'll do it in Advisory (time before real classes), but then we either do an activity or my friend Kayla drags me off or I want to see our new frog in the science room. So I keep missing homework, then my mom gets disappointed in me, and my dad gets disappointed in me, and they yell at me, and I get so upset... I spent a lot of the recent nights crying into my pillow, shouting in my head, "WATASHI WA DAI KIRAI!!!" Which is Japanese for, 'I hate myself!"......... Also there are so many social problems, and none of the people I know who I consider my friends generally have more than a minute or so to talk to me, because one of my friends is really popular and is always talking to someone else, and most of my other friends are friends with her and are always talking to her, and my other good friend has another friend, and is always talking to her. And if I try to talk to my first friend's group, they gossip a lot and I don't understand, and when I do understand when I try to speak either no one hears me or they ignore me or they interrupt me... and my other friend is ALWAYS talking to the other person..............

Nya, this is kinda pointless. It sounds horrible because I originally typed it out with the names, then I decided I couldn't leave the names in there.

I really wish I could die. Then I wouldn't have to worry about all the things I'm worried about right now. I want to get away from everything, just let go... just die and fall away from it, or grow wings and fly away from it.

I have so many problems other than those I mentioned, but... it's all I'll talk about right now. If you ever feel the same way that I feel, that you need to get away from something, even if it means dying or doing the impossible, then tell me and we can try to comfort each other... God knows I need comfort right now. Maybe sometime soon I'll talk again and say some of my other problems. No one's going to find this, after all, except people who I show it to, since it's highly unlikely anyone's going to accidentally find this.