Broken Forest Heart.

I am so freaking stupid...

Mostly, recently, I've been posting about a boy... how stupid is that? There are more important things in life than boys... anyways, one more thing about that person and then I'm going to actually focus on what's important here. Meaning, letting out my angsty sorrows so that I'll feel better rather than torturing myself over a boy. Anyways...

One shouldn't trust a boy with their heart,

Lest it be scratched,

Shattered,

Broken,

Or lost.

I did so foolishly...

And now I pay for it...

For 私の心 is now...

In pain...

From longing...

And soon it'll collapse.


...................................................................................................yah.

Anyways...

nyeah.....

I haven't got much to say right now...

I'll go drown in my sorrow...

Rat

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rat_(zodiac)

Info about my zodiac sign, the rat. We are cunning, and other intellectual things, and apparently often end up first. However, apparently, we are also cruel, vindictive, Machiavellen, and manipulative. And a lot of other stuff. Read the wiki. Haha, a lot of the evil traits fit me. I only trust a few certain people with REAL important things...

Meanwhile...

HE WAVED AT ME!!!!!

I know I sound like a freaking schoolgirly fangirl, but still...

During his lunchtime...

I go past the cafetorium to go to my Encores (music, art, etc.) and normally he doesn't notice me.

This time though...

I glanced at him...

And he noticed me...

AND HE WAVED AT ME!!!

SQUEEEEE!!!

Lol.

Still...

It somehow made me...

Immensely...

Happy...

God, I sound so stupid now....

And on a somewhat similar subject...

I knitted another pie slice...

And when stuffing it...

I intended it to be a cake rather than a pie this time...

So, on a whim, I made it a wedding cake slice.

It has a white crust/frosting and pink filling/whatever you call the inside of cake.

And on another whim, I wrote on a half of a pink post-it, "I love -insert his name here-."

And I folded the half post-it in half...

And put it in the cake slice when it was stuffed halfway.

Then finished stuffing it,

Then sewed the seam.

So now I have a knitted wedding cake slice with a secret inside it.

Lol.

And on another similar note...

On the school website email thing, I decided to make a draft to be sent to him, but I won't actually send it. I'm going to type random things in it... about him... but when I tried to write a confession... I lost my nerve and deleted that portion of the draft. Even though I never planned to send it... I choked up...

Wow, I'm pathetic.

Guess what?

Haha, guess what? I did a quiz on what heart I had. This is what I got:

Damaged heart
You have a fear of letting someone see the real you. It's okay, because lot's do. You just have to have a little more faith in some people. Maybe you'll find someone to fix your damaged heart! I hope you like your result, sorry if it doesn't match.

This isn't angsty, but I took 'What Beverage are You?' and got

Sweet Tea!
You are sweet and delcious. You are especially great with lemon slices and mint sprigs. Go to McDonalds to taste yourself.

:P

And a Chinese Zodiac Thing:

Personality Occupying the 1st and most prominent position on the Chinese Zodiac, the Rat symbolizes such character traits as wit, imagination and curiosity. Rats have keen observation skills and with those skills they’re able to deduce much about other people and other situations. Overall, Rats are full of energy, talkative and charming but they have a tendency to become aggressive. Rats are full of good advice but they will never share their troubles with others. They are honest individuals and they enjoy living for the moment. They’re also capable of surviving any situation.

Career Extremely perceptive and wise, Rats can focus on the big picture. That ability along with their good judgment enables Rats to solve problems before they arise. Rats focus on titles because titles translate into status and money; two motivating forces. Rats make excellent bosses. Routine halts their creativity so Rats need flexible positions that allow creativity. Good career choices include: administrator, director, manager, entrepreneur, broadcaster, writer, musician, stand-up comedian, politician, lawyer, researcher, and race car driver. Relationships Rats are very charming. They enjoy social activities and because they’re out a lot, they’re always meeting new people. They aren’t good at breaking off relationships however, and this presents problems going forward with new relationships. Anyone hoping to partner with a Rat must be able to keep up with the Rat’s active nature.

The 5 elements

**Metal Rats – Years 1900 and 1960Metal Rats are strong-willed individuals who are determined to get what they want, regardless of the cost. Intensively emotional, their behavior can border on extreme. Possessive feelings, envy and rage can cause problems. Relationships can be problematic as Metal Rats are obstinate.

**Water Rats – Years 1912 and 1972 Water Rats are extremely influential. They’re smart and insightful which makes them excellent at problem-solving. Practical and understanding, Water Rats interact well with and are liked by others.

**Wood Rats – Years 1924 and 1984 Not nearly as self-confident as they appear on the surface, Wood Rats will never expose this vulnerability to others. They’re successful despite their perpetual fear of failing. Wood Rats enjoy being with friends and family and fortunately for them, feelings of love and respect are mutual.

**Fire Rats – Years 1936 and 1996 Fire Rats enjoy being spontaneous. They enjoy traveling and taking on new tasks and will take on practically any new project or adventure simply to avoid any sense of routine and monotony. They’re zestful, spirited, and giving individuals who are well-liked by others.

**Earth Rats – Years 1948 and 2008 Earth Rats prefer a sense of stability, digging in and putting down roots early to help ensure a successful future. They believe that slow and steady is the best approach. Being spontaneous is an inbred trait, but this type of behavior does not suit Earth Rats.

CAPABILIY Rats are compatible with a Dragon and Monkey and incompatible with a Horse

Somehow I got a combination of Wood and Fire Rat................. I was born in Fire and I fit some of the traits but I also fit a lot of the traits of Wood and Metal........

Eye Color and the meaning quiz....

Dark Brown
Your brown comferting eye's say your sweet,caring,warm hearted, talented You are a team player You can give people advice with out a problem even if you haven't found your self in an issue like that before you Comfert your friends in their time of need your Talents are what gets you noticed wether it's your voice or humor style or all of the above you are calm,oragnized,and collected Congrats Boys:Love you your like a god they love that you can chill with the boy's and be yourself and the accept your for being exactly being who you are

Bad spelling, but some of it fits.... although boys do NOT lot me like I'm a god/goddess... I looked at all results, they all say that you will have a good relationship with a boy.... but that doesn't make sense, there will be people who never find their boy... Like an avatar that I saw says, "Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe they have a Prince Charming."

This one's REAAALLY long.... I'll split it apart so it doesn't give you a migraine while you read it.

Boyfriend: Embry
Bestfriend: Leah and Edward
Species/Race : Half Vampire/Human
Thoughts by the characters:
; Bella: She is really shy. It’s hard to just start a conversation with her because she is worried of what people might think of her being half vampire and half human. I like her; she just needs to open up a bit more.
; Edward: She is quiet but I’ve read her thoughts and we have a lot in common. She loves Embry with all her heart just like I love Bella. I think that’s probably why she talks to me a lot when it’s just the two of us around.
; Carlisle: Quiet and shy. I’m glad the pack introduced her to us, she made me see from many different perspectives I’ve never thought about before.
; Esme: I think she is wonderful. She is very polite and never says anything harsh about anyone.
; Alice: I don’t hear her talk much, but we do like to shop together sometimes. She is always buying things for other people instead of herself.
; Jasper: I like someone I can just sit with and not have to talk. Company like that is always enjoyable.
; Emmett: Since it was a shape shifter that imprinted on a vampire slash human, the treaty is broken and we are always welcome down in La Push now. To be honest, she is too shy for my liking. I like her, just don’t know her.
; Rosalie: She thinks about others to much, I went shopping with her and Alice and I don’t even think she bought anything for herself.
; Jacob: Embry has imprinted; and on a leech/human too. Wow, who would have ever guessed that? She is a nice person and always buys me new shoes since I always tear my apart. She is good for Embry; she will make him more generous.
; James: What a coward. Half vampire? Such a thing shouldn’t exist.
; Laurent: What a curious thing. I never knew that could happen.
; Victoria: Despicable.
; Quil: So quiet. But I like her. She always puts others before herself. Like a real friend would.
; Embry: I couldn’t think of a better girl to be within my entire life. I love everything about her. Every freckle, scar and wrinkle on her body. It just makes her more perfect than ever. I can talk to her about anything and not worry about making a fool of myself because I know she accepts for whom I am. She’s never angry about any of the mistakes I make. She just tells me that without those mistakes I wouldn’t be real. It doesn’t bother me one bit that she is part of my mortal enemy. It brings me closer to her and I know that I wouldn’t change that even if I could. I accept her for who she is; shyness and all. I’m hopelessly devoted to her and I don’t care if people call me whipped, because I know that I can’t live without her.

; Sam: I’m just glad that Embry has a girl. Even if she isn’t like us or if she isn’t pure human. Once you’re in love you can’t escape the hold it’s got on you.
; Paul: Embry finally became a man. Ha-ha, even if the girl he is in love with it a little short or words.
; Seth: She is cute. I like how she always looks at everything from different perspectives to come up with a reasonable explanation for something that happened.
; Jared: For a leech/human she isn’t too bad at all. Maybe if she talked more I would know more about her.
; Colin: I can’t say much because I haven’t talk to her a lot. But she is cute.
; Brady: Shy girls are always the best.
; Leah: I finally have a bestfriend that I know won’t trade me in for anything. She has never been through the same situation as I have been in with Sam and Emily but since she thought from my perspective she understand how it feels. She makes me feel good about myself and always catches me when I break down. I would have never thought that my bestfriend would end up being part blood sucker. But I’m glad that she is, because she will always be there for me. I would hang out with leeched for her, because I love her; my bestfriend.

; Rachel: I like having her around; she helps me through a lot of arguments with Paul. And she always makes him feel bad. Ha-ha and it always works because he always apologizes and brings me flowers.
; Kim: She makes the pack happier because she cheers up Leah. Crazy that Embry is in love with a vampire slash human girl. But it’s a good thing; love I mean.
; Claire: Pweeetttty, sooo Pweety.
; Emily: I love having her around. She picks up groceries for me because she can run there in like ten seconds; not even. Not only that, but she gives me advice about Sam. She is less shy than the others think, just talks more around the girls of La Push.
; Billy: I’m a little paranoid about her species but I’m getting use to it. Jake keeps telling me to lighten up.
; Charlie: Bella has a lot of friends over lately. She is one of them, but I don’t hear too much coming from her.
; Mike: She hasn’t ever said a word to me; I think I might have scared her away from the start.

; Eric: Mike did scare her away from the start by asking her out as soon as he seen her. She is a cute girl but has a boyfriend I heard.
; Tyler: Cute girl, but too shy.
; Angela: She is very smart in chemistry and always finishes my homework for me before class. I like her.
; Jessica: Another new student? She is so shy too.
; Aro: I don’t think this species should exist.
; Markus: I agree.
; Caius: So do I.

Haha, so long.... James and Victoria and Aro are mean.... Mike and Brady are pervs... and yeah. Yay for me, I'm the same species as Renesmee!

Rantings on the unfairness of Love.

WHY?!?

LOVE IS SO UNFAIR!!!

It fucking hurts....

I only watch him from afar now....

I haven't spoken to him...

Haha, he doesn't even see me staring at him for long periods of time when I can...

He's so nice, and funny, and awesome...

Even though he hasn't done anything at all to torment me...

I still am tormented.

By longing.

For him....

It hurts...

I've been experimenting with BabelFish right now...

I'll list the way 'broken heart' is written in different languages...

If it translates to 'broken heart' and then when I translate it back, it is still 'broken heart' then I will put it here.

Coração quebrado. Portuguese.

Gebroken Hart Dutch (this is pretty easy to tell it'll translate back...)

Coeur cassé French.

(German and Chinese don't translate, Chinese when I translate back it's 'sad' and German gives me 'defected heart'.)

Σπασμένη καρδιά Greek.

Cuore rotto Italian.

失恋 Japanese (technically, it translated into unrequited love..... which is even better.)

실연 Korean.

Сломленное сердце Russian.

Corazón quebrado Spanish.

... Spanish and Portuguese are similar...

But still...

Love is so unfair!

Not even a heads-up call, just wham! you start feeling strange, confusing, random feelings about a boy.

And then...

And then...

This is possibly the worst choice my heart could ever take...

I hardly speak to this guy!

And even worse!

I might move soon!

And not even get to see him for the rest of the year!

And if I do get to stay here...

I won't...

See him after this year, probably...

Because...

He'll....

Probably go to....

The other high school.

And then...

My heart....

Will be nothing but a faint memory and a handful...

Of tiny, dust sized, but somehow sharp shards...

I hate how I just fell in love like that....

If Love were a sentient being, I would want to do something about it...

Making girls love boys...

And then making the boys ditch the girls.

Or, technically, vice-versa could work too...

Why...

Must we...

Be in so much pain...

For the sake of a boy?

A boy, of all things!

Boys are...

Pigs.

Idiots.

Meanies.

Bullies.

Dense.

Dull.

And stupid.

In general...

But somehow...

The person...

Who I like....

Doesn't seem that way...

He's nice, and funny, and smart... he got 63rd place in the MathCounts competition out of 250. I didn't even make it to where I would be mentioned at all on the school website.

He's too damn perfect.

He's too amazing, too perfect,

For an idiot,

Like me.

I'm so stupid...

Letting myself fantasize...

About maybe him returning my feelings.

That's just plain stupid of me....

Because...

I'm only...

Digger a deeper pit for myself.

He would never want to be with

Someone like me.

Someone who's an idiot, who's self absorbed,

Who can hardly think straight because of a BOY,

Who is ugly,

And stupid.

Such a perfect person as him,

Wouldn't,

Shouldn't,

Notice a fool like me.

Right?

AAAGH!!!!!

Okay, first of all, the day before yesterday, well, you see, there are rumors going around about this one guy who wants to ask me out.... not the 8th grade guy....... and there's a group of 8th graders who always ask me about it. So, the day before yesterday, one of them asked me again, and THE 8TH GRADER THAT I LIKE WAS RIGHT NEXT TO ME AND HE HEARD!!!!!!!!! And in Algebra class afterwards, he seemed tense, although that might have been from something before class started, since I only saw him right as he heard the rumor....

And then.... Today... I became insanely jealous... because there's this one girl who's really chatty and talkative... and she called over to him, "Hey, I saw you yesterday at this one club!" and I was infuriated and jealous... although I calmed down when he said, "I didn't see you there."

btw, from now on, if I say, the guy I like, I usually am referring to the 8th grade one because
I think I really like him... So by the guy I like I mean the 8th grade one unless I specifically state otherwise.

Well...

To my friends Valorona and Alanna Hecateus...

I took into mind what you said...

And even if I don't completely believe it...

I appreciate...

The fact that you guys care.

Especially since...

Everyone else I've cared about...

Has left me behind...

This time, though...

I think I can trust you two...

To not leave me...

Like everyone at school has.

Most of the people outside of school live too far away for me to take comfort... They haven't left me behind, but yet they're too far away for me to take solace in that.

But...

At least...

I think that...

You two and a few others...

Will definitely not leave me.

But I can't be sure...

So I ask that you won't leave me behind...

Like almost everyone else has.


And now, a quick story-poem I came up with while I was sitting with nothing to do a few days ago. I nearly forgot it, but I'll try to put it here. This isn't real, it's just something I came up with.


I lie on the verdant grass, watching the sky.

So beautifully blue.

Sparse clouds drift across, a beautiful fluffy white contrasting against a rich blue.

And I wonder.

How can such beauty exist in a world of such sorrow and pain?

How can it be that the sky is content to look upon this suffering world?

How can the sun shine in a way so lovely,

making the grass around me glow?

If there is so much pain in this world?

I can't understand it.

I suppose it shines for the sake of the good souls in this world.

Those who try to uplift others, those who try to save others.

And those who try to smile and say, "It'll be better." even to those who feel otherwise.

And it probably also shines for those in true love.

Those who have the kind of love in stories...

That will carry them through worlds.

Am I ever meant to feel that way?

Or will I remain here, in the part of the world where it is bright, but I am dark.

Where the sun shines, but I am a void.

Where love blossoms, but I hate.

Because I had hated so many things about this world, after everyone...

Left me.

Alone...

In the darkness...

My only lights...

In the far off distance.

And here, where the sun shines bright but I am a void...

I shed a tear.

And with it, I feel a little bit of my soul float away from me.

And I cry hard.

Letting the tears flow.

Letting my blackened soul release.

I cry for a long time.

When my eyes reopen,

The world is dark with night, but no stars have come out.

And though I released my black soul, it has come back.

And it tries to fill me back up again.

And just as I feel that it is about to overtake me again...

The first star comes out.

And I wish dearly on that star.

"Star-light, Star-bright, first star I see tonight.

I wish... that I...

Would not be alone anymore...

I wish... that I...

Could escape the darkness...

I wish... that I...

Could smile and laugh without hiding the darkness behind me.

And finally,

I wish... that I...

Could have hope that will not be dragged down.

And as my dark soul steals back into me, I feel a spark of hope.

As though the star had heard me.

And given me a piece of itself.

So that I would not become totally lost.

And maybe...

Just maybe...

I could nurture this new piece of me and the star...

Into a new me...

With little darkness.

Maybe...

Just maybe.




And that's the end. I feel not as angsty now... that's good. Please comment and tell me if it's okay... It's probably going to seem horrible when I reread it...

Quick Change

I'd forgotten how the conversation went earlier, and I realized that I typed in the wrong words and really he said something similar but not the same words. I'm editing it as soon as I finish this post.

....

I don't have very long to type this, I'm only on for a few more minutes while I'm supposedly typing out homework. I have a few things I need to say...

First of all, I have the feeling no one is reading this blog at all... that makes me feel like I'm talking to an empty, nonexistent audience...... And that makes me feel cold and alone.....

On a happier note.... well, I think it's happy... although it confuses me... anyways! Today, at Algebra, I was feeling strangely disappointed, because... that person was not there in the beginning. So I was reading because technically we were working on a review but I'd already finished it, so I was looking away from the door and talking to one of my sort-of friends who I'd met recently, and suddenly he walked right past me, and I kinda jerked in surprise... I felt a strange thing then... in the center of my upper left arm, a kind of weird lightning bolt seemed to jerk from their across my chest... it was like the outside was icy and shocking and the inside was kinda warmish and good feeling...

Then also when he was standing in front of my desk to talk to the teacher (my table which I share with another person which I also call my desk is right in front of the board... his table is in the 3rd row from front to back.) and he pointed out that I got a 48/48 on a hard quiz and complimented me... if I were a fangirlish type I would squeal... but that would be slightly pathetic.......

And then, in the end of class, well, you see, yesterday, we had an orchestra concert, with 7th grade, 8th grade, and Rock Orchestra. Rock Orchestra is performing again tomorrow at the Borders at Eastgate, and I'm going tomorrow, and anyways... we we standing next to each other in line to go out, and he asked me if I liked Rock Orchestra (he's in it, along with two of my other minicrushes...) and I said yeah, and I also mentioned that I was going to Borders to watch it again, and he said something like, "Too bad I'm not going. Instead, I'm going to Columbus to watch gymnastics!" And he said it like it was the last thing he wanted to do, which it probably was, so I responded sarcastically, "Have fun!" and he said back, "Shut up, I know where you go to school!" in a sarcastic and funny way, and I burst out laughing.... you probably get why. If you're too dense to realize, we both were in school at the moment. Lol. I'm grinning like a maniac right now....

The majority of my minicrushes I realize are mostly just really good friends. However, there are 3 exceptions to that. One is the obvious one who went to MathCounts (btw we were in 14 place, which is impressive, considering that we have a life after school and don't spend every day studying for the competition our whole lives, like Sycamore and Mason do apparently) and is in my Algebra class and I look for when I'm going to Encores and he's at lunch at the time... I'm only looking because I want to see him, not to talk to him or anything.... The other two exceptions, one is because there are actually rumors going around that he really likes me (a random eighth grader who probably knew my name from Algebra told me I was the only thing that the minicrush talked about)(Oh yeah, all of my minicrushes besides the MathCounts/Algebra one are 7th graders like me) and the other is because he's also smart and funny and nice and kinda like the 8th grade crush... like, he has the same qualities, but in different ways, if you get what I mean....

But why on earth am I talking about my pathetic excuse for a love life? Anyways, I've been channeling my angst into stories right now, leaving little for a blog post, but I'll try to get together those last bits...

You know...
it's pathetic, if you think about it.
The way that I'm always pining after boys.
And boys tend to be heartbreakers in stories, even if not on purpose...
And eventually, I'm going to crack from not admitting my possible feelings....
Because I've been watching my 8th grade crush for a while now...
And he seems so awesome...
And nice...
But...
I don't really know much about him...
I don't know anything about him other than that he plays cello...
Is really nice, funny, and handsome...
Is good at math and competitive...
He seems so damn perfect to me... and I feel that I want to be with him...
But still...
I don't know if he has a girlfriend already...
I don't know if he's even interested at all in girls...
I don't really know the full extent of him at the time...
It's possible that my mind is making false connections between the quizzes and reality...
Oh yeah, I remember a forward from a long time ago.
One part was that you connected people with colors in your mind that meant something.
One color was red, and I didn't have anyone that I associated with red.
The closest I could get was orange... so I put someone down who was orange.
It said, "Red is the color of a person you love."
Which, if the person had actually been connected to red, would have meant I was a lesbian...
-sweatdrop-
but really, I connected her to a yellow-y orange. So I don't think it counts.
But right now...
I think...
That person...
Is connected to the color red in my head...
But...
Is this really...
Right and true?
Do I really and truly love him?
I don't know...
It causes confusion and conflict in me.
I don't know if I really and truly love him or not...
I think I do...
But I don't know...
I don't have enough life experience...
Is it worth it?
To love someone really and truly and accept even if they end up spurning and scorning you for loving them?
Because...
I'm afraid that will happen...
if I tell him how I feel.
But I don't know how I can hold these feelings in me forever.
And next year, he will go to high school.
and here, there are two public high schools.
Which means...
If he goes to the other...
I might never see him again.
I can't stand that thought.
It makes an icy coldness rush through my chest and rise in my throat.
It hurts...
But why does it hurt?
Why should it really matter to me that much?
And...
Is this just hormones?
Or is this true love?
I don't know...

Now I feel all somber and sad... oh yeah! There was something else I wanted to tell you.

On Tuesday, I was on the Activity Bus to get home...
And there was a group of Seventh Graders and a group of Eighth Graders.
They started arguing (and the Eighth Graders said 'sevvies' like it was a bad thing...)
and they started saying weird stuff.
One of the eighth graders was particularly 'evil'... he started cussing and saying inappropriate things.
Like this one:
"Your mother's like a hardware store. 35 cents a screw!" which, as you can tell, made me feel nervous.
There were 2 male eighth graders and 3 females.
And the evil one started making fun of the way that the other male seemed to like one of the females.
Leading to the female denying it.
Leading to the breaking of the male's heart.
Does a broken heart really hurt that much?
He curled up on his seat.
He'd only known the girl for a few weeks, and yet he loved her enough that it would hurt him to the point where, even though he'd been rowdy before, he was extremely quiet...
Seriously, does a broken heart hurt that much?
And if I were to confess my feelings...
Will it hurt me that much, too?
He felt better later, though, because the girl and I both made an effort to cheer him up.

And I've been typing so long, even though I didn't mean to...
I nearly got caught several times.
So now I need to go.
Bye~

Random quote

This is a quote I found in a fanfiction... I am pretty sure that she quoted this from a song... So I'm pretty much quoting a quote. :P

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become!
Help me believe it's not the real me!
Somebody help me tame this animal!


Also, I'm trying to figure out how to put a new cursor on here. It's not working so far though...
-sweatdrop-

EDIT: Another quote from the same fanfic but different chapter:
I can't escape myself...
(I can't escape myself)
So many times I've lied...
(So many times I've lied)
But there's still rage inside...
Somebody get me through this nightmare...
I can't control myself!

Oops, there might have been a misunderstanding....

The person who I have a possibly not-so-minicrush on hasn't appeared in any of my dreams. Sorry if you confused him with the other tall person in my dreams!