Last night, I had a terrible dream. I had commited suicide by slitting my throat, and there was a ceremony at school to remember me, a few days before the real funeral. All the kids from my school were there, and everyone was all 'cry-y' and 'sad' and stuff, but a lot of it was fake. I could tell. Then my spirit manifested itself in the center of the crowd, but only the kids could see it/me. I was extremely pale, my eyes were frighteningly red, and I had a faint blue-silver aura. And I/it went around, and asked people if they would go to my funeral.
However, everyone had something extremely important that day. There was a giant play, and if they did well at that play, they would get to go to Hollywood and have it recorded and have movie stars watch it and they'd be famous. There was also a soccer game, and there would be scouts there, watching for people who would have the talent to go to a national team and play against the best players in the world. And other things like that. Extremely important things for the others' futures.
So my spirit went around, and asked every kid that I know. Almost all of them chose to go to the important thing to them, rather than my funeral. And after the person in the front finished speaking, all the adults went away, but the kids stayed, and I went up to the podium.
I've been watching this all from a different point of view. Like, I was seperate from my body/spirit. And it's still that way.
My spirit said, "I understand. Your futures are more important than the fact that I'm going to pass into whatever is after death. I understand." And I had the saddest expression on my face, so sad it almost broke my heart, even though technically I would be the person breaking my heart then... which doesn't make sense. Anyways, I looked so sad... and then I faded away. Well, the spirit-me faded away. The me watching was still there. And I saw everyone look guilty for a few moments, then they filed out of the cafetorium (auditorium+cafeteria) and started chatting excitedly about the big event that would happen for them.
Which shows me that I am not an important person to these people. Really, though, I already understood this. To most people, I am just a shadow who happens to flit by at any random moment. I'm neither important nor interesting nor charming. I am simply... nothing. :( And the weird thing is, I think I'm better known in my 8th grade Algebra class, even though I'm a seventh grader, because I did very well on all the tests and I completed a 50 question worksheet in less than 10 minutes that was on a brand-new subject, and because in a Challenger/Challengee game (A person's name is picked out of a bag. They challenge a person. They compete doing a math problem. Whoever wins gets to pick the next name out of the bag.) and I was picked... I didn't know who to challenge, so they all told me to challenge the person who was best at math there... and I beat him by a fraction of a second. LITERALLY. The question was 3 to the negative 4th power.
On the subject of that person... He's... one of my minicrushes... although... that's another topic I'd wanted to talk about... He's really nice... and funny... and cute... and smart... and... tall.
-sweatdrop- But seriously, he's awesome! And call me stupid, but when I was on Quizilla (that's what it's called, isn't it?) I did a quiz called, "Who's the Guy of your Dreams?" Or something like that... anyways, it gave me: Sarcastic Sweet-heart
The guy of your dreams makes you smile when your down. He's the funniest thing in your life, and I don't mean funny looking. When something is bothering you, you go to him first because he cheers you up like no one else can.
And... he fits the description almost perfectly.
I took the quiz again, and varied a few of my answers to next best, and got: Care Giver
Your dream guy is loving and kind. unfortunatly, at first you were a little afriad of him because he wears a lot of black. You enjoy spending time with him, at your house or his. You don't go on fancy dates but just being with him makes your heart flutter.
And I was afraid of him, although because he's SO FREAKING TALL!!! ... Then again, all the eighth graders are tall... maybe I was just overreacting when I first saw him, but...
I first saw him, in fact, at an orchestra concert. After we had played (we being 7th graders, by the way, just something random, the eighth graders call the seventh grade kids who go to eighth grade algebra 'sevvies') The eighth graders played, and while they were waiting for something, the principal said something along the lines of :"Well, while we're waiting, why don't we crack a few jokes? ...I know, I can always count on *His name here* to be funny! -gives microphone to him-" And then he stood up, and he was sooo tall! He plays cello. I highly doubt he noticed me, considering I was one in a hundred. And that was obviously to be expected......
Then I thought I would only see him at orchestra concerts, but then I got into 8th grade Algebra... and lo and behold! He was in the class I went to. :O :P Then all the other stuff happened, and the day before yesterday was the day when the little competition was, and also......... I had MathCounts after school that day. On MathCounts, we are a team of elite (sort of, haha) mathematicians. We're going to go to the competition this weekend. Anyways, he's part of the team, too. However, I can only remember 2 sessions when he'd been actually at the meetings. The day when we tested to see who'd be on the team and who'd be doing single problems and who'd be the alternate. Me and another person (a boy) got the highest score on that test, we both tied with 17 points. And since the team round was most important, I was on the team, the person who'd tied with me was on the team, another girl was on the team... and he was on the team. Then we had several singles, and one alternate.
Then, last session, he'd come. He's a huge joker :D whenever he can, he makes people laugh. And at the session, I didn't know most of the necessary formulas, because when I'd gone to 8th grade Algebra, I'd skipped most of 7th grade math, and although I can calculate really well (I calculated 6 to the fourth power in my head really fast one time) There's no point if you can calculate well if you can't figure out what you need to calculate. So I almost started crying... but I wouldn't let myself. I told the teacher that I didn't know the formulas, (privately) and she said she'd print out a page of formulas for me, and then when we went over the answers, he joked around, and the teacher said, "Be careful, Rebecca is feeling kinda uncertain on these problems." And he said, "Don't worry! I make her laugh. I make her smile." And the teacher said, "Well, that's good." And obviously what he said made me think of the quiz.
He does make me laugh and smile. He makes me feel really really happy. I enjoy being near him. I'm worried that this minicrush might actually be developing into a real crush. But the big problem is, he might go to a different high school than me... And also, I only see him at Algebra class and at MathCounts. So I don't even know if he already has a girlfriend! And I think he probably does. He's the kind of boy that will attract a lot of females... So I'm trying to stop the minicrush from growing. But it's getting hard.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Story Excerpts
Okay, I know I haven't typed a whole lot of angst recently, but that's because school's been quiet, right now it's Sunday and Sunday is the day when I have the least angst (Not too much interference from parents, any school angst is faded by today) so I decided I'm going to make a THIRD blog. My third blog will be excerpts from little stories that I'm writing. ;P Right now I'm in a good mood, so I'll type out a good bit for it. Go check it out! You can just go to my profile and find it, probably.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
... Something completely and utterly random.
Okay, two things. First of all, I have noticed a new and disturbing pattern in my dreams... A few weeks ago, I dreamed, 3 nights in a row, dreams in which one of my minicrushes came in. Which was odd. Then, 3 nights ago, I had a dream of another minicrush (I have many minicrushes thanks to puberty and hormones, and it irritates me beyond belief). The next night, I had a dream of the same minicrush. Then, last night, I had a dream of the minicrush who I first dreamed of. It's really annoying.
I can't remember the details of the first 3 dreams. Only 3 scenes stuck with me. One, in an apple orchard, in a video game created by my mind, (whenever I approached someone, a green a button appeared, like in Gamecube games) the minicrush was there, looking at a tree, or more specifically, a green little apple in the tree that was beginning to turn red. I went up to him, talked to him (He turned around kinda like how Runescape NPCs turn around when you talk to him). The conversation was something along the lines of : me: The trees are beautiful, aren't they? Him: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Me: You know, I really need to tell you something.... Him: What? Me: .... Never mind. Or something along those lines, although probably with slightly different wording. Then, a little box popped up, like it might in a video game, saying "You have unlocked a Heart Event! Would you like to activate it now?" and I somehow pressed yes. I walked up right behind him, and then hugged him. Of all things. And then I whispered, "The trees are really, really nice to look at." And he blushed. Which I have never seen the real him do. And I find that shocking. He mumbled something, and then I was about to reply, when suddenly the apple he had been staring at grew and ripened, and it was in the shape of a heart.... I was going to pick it, and then I woke up. Probably I remembered that scene because A. It was embarrassing and B. It was the last scene in the dream, and I tend to remember the last scenes best.
The second scene I can remember was considerably less romantic (Thank god!). He and I and a few more people from some of my classes were on a giant inflatable obstacle/treasure hunt course. We had to find 10 vials of liquid, and something to put it in, and then have someone drink it. So we ran around on the course, found the ten vials, and a beaker, and we poured it together. It exploded with golden light, and then when it was done, it was a golden liquid. They told me I had to drink it, (of course) and so I drank it... and got drunk. In a manner of speaking. Suddenly, I wasn't thinking straight, and I walked around in circles for a while, staring at the ceiling, until my minicrush happened to be in the way of my circle (because I had been making the circle bigger and bigger) and so naturally I tripped, knocked us both down, and I became undrunk as I pitched forwards, so I was perfectly aware that I had fallen on him, and then I woke up. It's less romantic because the only thing that influenced it was the drink (Which I'm assuming was something like enchanted alchohol.)
And then the third scene was the most embarrassing to me... It was raining, and I was walking around with an umbrella, and I saw him passed out in the middle of the road, so I was like, "Oh my god!" and I picked him up somehow (He's a lot taller than me) and carried him to my house (Not my house in real life, for some reason) and I put him in a giant bed in a guest room, and then I noticed that he had a fever, and then I remembered how in a book if you lie with someone with a fever then the fever will go down, so I got in bed (I have no clue why, since in real life I'd wake him up and give him some Tylenol or something) and fell asleep. Then I woke up (in the dream) and he was hugging me from behind. Like, I was facing one side and he was facing towards me and hugging me. We were both fully clothed (So no lemons!) and... I got really surprised, he whispered in my ear, "Thanks," and then I woke up. So. Yeah.
.......................................................................................................................................................................
Then, the more recent dreams I can remember more of.
In the dream 3 nights ago, it was kinda a like Maximum Ride-based dream... Me and and group of people from my school were locked in a small solid metal room with only one door that was chained shut with black chains. I was pacing around the room, kicking stuff, when I stepped on a button and the chains broke. Everyone, of course, raced outside, and then I said, "I'll take charge of anyone with a red wire, everyone with a black wire go with Allison." (Everyone had a wire attached to the back of their shirt) and then the group scattered, with some with me and some fleeing with Allison. We started running down a hallway, but then a vampire/zombie cross came through the door... the walls were a sickly green color that matched the color of the vampire/zombie. My second minicrush (Who is shorter than the first, but still taller than me...) ran past through an opening between the monster and the doorway, and escaped, and everyone else started screaming and running in the other direction. In the commotion, one of the girls fell, and her glasses were knocked to the floor. "Everyone! Get to the bathroom! Be ready to lock the door!" and a wave of people blew past me and headed in the direction I pointed. But the girl who had lost her glasses was still on the ground, searching for them. The monster came up to her, cackling, about to grab her, and I was screaming, "No! Get away from there! Hurry!" when suddenly my minicrush dove back through the doorway and tackled her away from the monster. She grabbed her glasses as she was being pushed away, and then we all ran for the bathroom, and we dove in, and the others closed the door and barricaded it. Then everyone was sitting down, talking, and then my minicrush was suddenly sitting next to me on the floor, and I said, "Good job out there. I wasn't sure what to do..." And he said, "You would have known if you were in a place where you can help. You're an awesome person." And then he leaned in... and I woke up. And I'm glad. Because that would have been severely embarrassing if it had gone on.
The dream the next day was the same minicrush, and I'm going to skip all the stuff before it, because it makes me sad, because I dreamt that I had Pepper (the cutest puppy ever that I only got to have for a weekend) again, but I thought he had run away from someone, and so I'm going to skip that and get to the part with the minicrush.
He was playing a game at a restaurant that I'd been to before it a previous dream, and I wanted to join, then he came out, and we made light conversation, and then we both played the game (bouncing on giant balls, trying to knock others off) and the first time I got really lucky, because I bounced for a while, then I bounced too hard, sailed off, and knocked my minicrush off. So we tied. Then I lost repeatedly after that. Then, we went to the construction area, where there were huge piles of gravel. Our families were chatting a little ways off, and weren't paying attention to us. He was sitting at the base of a pile across from my pile, though I was sitting on top of mine. Then, a truck went by, very slowly, and when it passed, it looked like nothing happened... Until the gravel in his pile collapsed and he was buried. I shrieked, and ran to his pile, and started digging like mad. Eventually, I pulled him out, and he was still breathing, and his eyes fluttered open for a moment, and then he was rushed to a hospital.
The next day in the dream, I was in school, and he noticed me, and I heard him think, "Did she really save me? It seems like it was a dream when I saw her... maybe it was her, maybe I was hallucinating and someone else got me out."
And then last night my dream was unimportant, I just saw the first minicrush I've mentioned, and then after that my house was on fire and he appeared magically and helped us put out the fire.
So, these are the dreams that I've had, and yeah.
I can't remember the details of the first 3 dreams. Only 3 scenes stuck with me. One, in an apple orchard, in a video game created by my mind, (whenever I approached someone, a green a button appeared, like in Gamecube games) the minicrush was there, looking at a tree, or more specifically, a green little apple in the tree that was beginning to turn red. I went up to him, talked to him (He turned around kinda like how Runescape NPCs turn around when you talk to him). The conversation was something along the lines of : me: The trees are beautiful, aren't they? Him: Huh? Oh, yeah, sure. Me: You know, I really need to tell you something.... Him: What? Me: .... Never mind. Or something along those lines, although probably with slightly different wording. Then, a little box popped up, like it might in a video game, saying "You have unlocked a Heart Event! Would you like to activate it now?" and I somehow pressed yes. I walked up right behind him, and then hugged him. Of all things. And then I whispered, "The trees are really, really nice to look at." And he blushed. Which I have never seen the real him do. And I find that shocking. He mumbled something, and then I was about to reply, when suddenly the apple he had been staring at grew and ripened, and it was in the shape of a heart.... I was going to pick it, and then I woke up. Probably I remembered that scene because A. It was embarrassing and B. It was the last scene in the dream, and I tend to remember the last scenes best.
The second scene I can remember was considerably less romantic (Thank god!). He and I and a few more people from some of my classes were on a giant inflatable obstacle/treasure hunt course. We had to find 10 vials of liquid, and something to put it in, and then have someone drink it. So we ran around on the course, found the ten vials, and a beaker, and we poured it together. It exploded with golden light, and then when it was done, it was a golden liquid. They told me I had to drink it, (of course) and so I drank it... and got drunk. In a manner of speaking. Suddenly, I wasn't thinking straight, and I walked around in circles for a while, staring at the ceiling, until my minicrush happened to be in the way of my circle (because I had been making the circle bigger and bigger) and so naturally I tripped, knocked us both down, and I became undrunk as I pitched forwards, so I was perfectly aware that I had fallen on him, and then I woke up. It's less romantic because the only thing that influenced it was the drink (Which I'm assuming was something like enchanted alchohol.)
And then the third scene was the most embarrassing to me... It was raining, and I was walking around with an umbrella, and I saw him passed out in the middle of the road, so I was like, "Oh my god!" and I picked him up somehow (He's a lot taller than me) and carried him to my house (Not my house in real life, for some reason) and I put him in a giant bed in a guest room, and then I noticed that he had a fever, and then I remembered how in a book if you lie with someone with a fever then the fever will go down, so I got in bed (I have no clue why, since in real life I'd wake him up and give him some Tylenol or something) and fell asleep. Then I woke up (in the dream) and he was hugging me from behind. Like, I was facing one side and he was facing towards me and hugging me. We were both fully clothed (So no lemons!) and... I got really surprised, he whispered in my ear, "Thanks," and then I woke up. So. Yeah.
.......................................................................................................................................................................
Then, the more recent dreams I can remember more of.
In the dream 3 nights ago, it was kinda a like Maximum Ride-based dream... Me and and group of people from my school were locked in a small solid metal room with only one door that was chained shut with black chains. I was pacing around the room, kicking stuff, when I stepped on a button and the chains broke. Everyone, of course, raced outside, and then I said, "I'll take charge of anyone with a red wire, everyone with a black wire go with Allison." (Everyone had a wire attached to the back of their shirt) and then the group scattered, with some with me and some fleeing with Allison. We started running down a hallway, but then a vampire/zombie cross came through the door... the walls were a sickly green color that matched the color of the vampire/zombie. My second minicrush (Who is shorter than the first, but still taller than me...) ran past through an opening between the monster and the doorway, and escaped, and everyone else started screaming and running in the other direction. In the commotion, one of the girls fell, and her glasses were knocked to the floor. "Everyone! Get to the bathroom! Be ready to lock the door!" and a wave of people blew past me and headed in the direction I pointed. But the girl who had lost her glasses was still on the ground, searching for them. The monster came up to her, cackling, about to grab her, and I was screaming, "No! Get away from there! Hurry!" when suddenly my minicrush dove back through the doorway and tackled her away from the monster. She grabbed her glasses as she was being pushed away, and then we all ran for the bathroom, and we dove in, and the others closed the door and barricaded it. Then everyone was sitting down, talking, and then my minicrush was suddenly sitting next to me on the floor, and I said, "Good job out there. I wasn't sure what to do..." And he said, "You would have known if you were in a place where you can help. You're an awesome person." And then he leaned in... and I woke up. And I'm glad. Because that would have been severely embarrassing if it had gone on.
The dream the next day was the same minicrush, and I'm going to skip all the stuff before it, because it makes me sad, because I dreamt that I had Pepper (the cutest puppy ever that I only got to have for a weekend) again, but I thought he had run away from someone, and so I'm going to skip that and get to the part with the minicrush.
He was playing a game at a restaurant that I'd been to before it a previous dream, and I wanted to join, then he came out, and we made light conversation, and then we both played the game (bouncing on giant balls, trying to knock others off) and the first time I got really lucky, because I bounced for a while, then I bounced too hard, sailed off, and knocked my minicrush off. So we tied. Then I lost repeatedly after that. Then, we went to the construction area, where there were huge piles of gravel. Our families were chatting a little ways off, and weren't paying attention to us. He was sitting at the base of a pile across from my pile, though I was sitting on top of mine. Then, a truck went by, very slowly, and when it passed, it looked like nothing happened... Until the gravel in his pile collapsed and he was buried. I shrieked, and ran to his pile, and started digging like mad. Eventually, I pulled him out, and he was still breathing, and his eyes fluttered open for a moment, and then he was rushed to a hospital.
The next day in the dream, I was in school, and he noticed me, and I heard him think, "Did she really save me? It seems like it was a dream when I saw her... maybe it was her, maybe I was hallucinating and someone else got me out."
And then last night my dream was unimportant, I just saw the first minicrush I've mentioned, and then after that my house was on fire and he appeared magically and helped us put out the fire.
So, these are the dreams that I've had, and yeah.
Friday, February 13, 2009
This is messed up...
Guess what? A few days ago, I was going upstairs to grab something, and we had visitors downstairs, and my dad was talking about the fucking parent-teacher conference. I was planning on staying upstairs for a short while, not too long, just long enough to wait out the storm. And then, while I was going upstairs, guess what my dad said?
"You need to start focusing on your schoolwork, Rebecca. Right now, you're embarrasing us."
Yeah, he really said that. He said, in front of company, that my performance at school was embarrasing him.
WHAT KIND OF BITCHY PARENT CALLS THEIR KID EMBARRASING IN FRONT OF COMPANY?!?
It really, really, pissed me off. So, naturally, I stayed upstairs for the rest of the time the visitors were here. And then my dad was like, "You were so rude to our guests, you should have come downstairs again." Me, rude? Who's the rude one here? Hello? And then my mom said, "You should have a punishment, but we'll go lightly this time and let you have no punishment." I deserve punishment? When the reason I stayed upstairs was because my goddamned dad had to go and call me fucking embarrasing?
I haven't been able to update recently. I was drowning in angst for the past few days, and I was unable to get to the computer, so my angst was festering inside of me. Now I need to let it out.
It's retarded. The reason I don't finish schoolwork is because of what I said in my first post. I don't want my mom to act disappointed. Then she tells me to go to bed. Then I don't have any time to finish homework. And if I tell her I'm not finished, she'll go like, I'm very disappointed in you, you should have been finished, and then every 20 seconds, she goes, "Are you done yet?"
There's so much angst in my life, I wish I could die. I wish for that very often. But I force myself to hang on. Because I have a goal to accomplish. Because I don't want loved ones to grieve. And most of all, because I have a friend who is in an even worse predicament than me, although it's the same type of predicament, and I can't just leave her to be practically dying from the emotional pain with only a school counseler to comfort her.
btw, Alanna, you can tell people to come to my blog if they want to read angst. It'll ease the traffic on you and I can't be affected by your friends/enemies/neutral people in the outer world.
"You need to start focusing on your schoolwork, Rebecca. Right now, you're embarrasing us."
Yeah, he really said that. He said, in front of company, that my performance at school was embarrasing him.
WHAT KIND OF BITCHY PARENT CALLS THEIR KID EMBARRASING IN FRONT OF COMPANY?!?
It really, really, pissed me off. So, naturally, I stayed upstairs for the rest of the time the visitors were here. And then my dad was like, "You were so rude to our guests, you should have come downstairs again." Me, rude? Who's the rude one here? Hello? And then my mom said, "You should have a punishment, but we'll go lightly this time and let you have no punishment." I deserve punishment? When the reason I stayed upstairs was because my goddamned dad had to go and call me fucking embarrasing?
I haven't been able to update recently. I was drowning in angst for the past few days, and I was unable to get to the computer, so my angst was festering inside of me. Now I need to let it out.
It's retarded. The reason I don't finish schoolwork is because of what I said in my first post. I don't want my mom to act disappointed. Then she tells me to go to bed. Then I don't have any time to finish homework. And if I tell her I'm not finished, she'll go like, I'm very disappointed in you, you should have been finished, and then every 20 seconds, she goes, "Are you done yet?"
There's so much angst in my life, I wish I could die. I wish for that very often. But I force myself to hang on. Because I have a goal to accomplish. Because I don't want loved ones to grieve. And most of all, because I have a friend who is in an even worse predicament than me, although it's the same type of predicament, and I can't just leave her to be practically dying from the emotional pain with only a school counseler to comfort her.
btw, Alanna, you can tell people to come to my blog if they want to read angst. It'll ease the traffic on you and I can't be affected by your friends/enemies/neutral people in the outer world.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Similarities between kids now and the Revolutionary War.
I generally prefer not to post twice in one day (spare my poor reader(s) the angst) but I had to type this.
Why do parents govern every bit of a child's life? I'm old enough to understand what is bad and what is good. I'm old enough to make my own decisions... but my parents make them all for me. "You can't go to your friends house." "You can't go outside, it's too cold."(Even though I could just wear a jacket) "Go grab that." "You can't do that, you're not allowed." "Yeah, sure, -insert my name here- would absolutely love going to your house!"(Talking about the house of someone who's pretty much a bitch. Not you Alanna. Or anyone you know.) "Go to church, -insert my name here-,"(talking about the one church which I absolutely hate. Talking about God should be more lively, and the people who talk at that church are anything but lively) "Take care of these little kids, -insert my name here- (I spent that time with a large amount of little kids who delighted it pulling hair, namely, mine.)
It's practically the reason for the Revolutionary War! Doesn't anyone see? My parents don't understand me at all! They don't know how angsty I am, they don't know how much I need help, they don't know how much I actually NEED to read books, they don't know how much I need to be with my REAL friends as much as possible, THEY DON'T KNOW ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT ME!!! Therefore, why should they be the ones making all the decisions of my life? Goddammit, why? It doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love them and all, but they don't understand me at all and shouldn't be making these decisions for me. Or even saying some of the things they say. (Look at post before this one to understand) IT'S FUCKING WRONG!!!
Oh yeah, of course, I get it. I'm just a useless little girl. A piece of shit. No one should care about me. I'm just there to show that my parents are loving and caring and never do anything wrong to me. Oh no, they never say one goddamned fucking bad thing to or about me. NOT!.
Hehe, fucking. What a lovely word. The way it feels like thick, heavy, melted chocolate, sweet and slightly bitter at the same time. It makes me happy, the word. Hah. I don't know why, but right now, it feels good to say it. Haha. Fucking. Hehe...Hehehe.... It rolls. Chocolate. Pumpkins. It rolls like pumpkins, feels like chocolate. Haha. Dementia. Disturbia. Haha. The song is ringing through my head now, like chimes and gongs combined. Chongs. Haha. "Disturbia..." Haha. Now there's another song in my head. I don't remember the name. Hehe. Heeheehee. Yes, I realize I'm going crazy. But that's a good thing. Eventually I'll be insane enough that I'll kill myself. Then I'll be in Hell and I'll be so insane and I'll be giggling so madly that the Devil with beg God to take me back into Heaven. And then God will go, "Hell, no!" Because I won't stop giggling, won't stop being insane, because I know too much about the world too early. And I can't take the pressure alone, but everyone's left me alone, except for people who are too far to help, so now my mind has collapsed, like a tree with too much ice on it. Haha. Chocolate. Fucking. Goddamned retarded. Shit. Fuck. Simile. Tangerines. Oranges. Mike Ikes. Haha. Ahahaha. And then I'll get sent back to Earth, because neither God nor the Devil wants me. And then I'll run around and kill people I hate and commit suicide, but I'll be sent back here because God and the Devil still won't want me.
Hehe. Demented. That's what I am right now. My soul is sagging, coming apart at the seams. I'm coming apart. My sanity is hardly a flicker in my mind anymore. Chocolate. Marshmallows. S'mores. Fuck. Damn. Piss. God. Shit. Bitch. Ass. Asshole. Goddamned Fucking Pissing Asshole of a Bitch. Haha.
There's no reason for anyone to care about me. I'm just your average shit that you see sometimes. Hehe.
No reason for living or dying for me.
"No reason to cry anymore, uh-uh-uh, no reason to die anymore, I got the love of Jesus in my heart!" Uh, no. Church song. Used to make me happy. Now it makes me mad. Who wrote it, anyways? There's always a reason to cry, always a reason to die.
HaHa. hAhAhA. AHAHAHAHAHA. I'm going crazy, there's nothing anyone near me can do about it, tra la laaaa! Hheehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheheheh.
Why do parents govern every bit of a child's life? I'm old enough to understand what is bad and what is good. I'm old enough to make my own decisions... but my parents make them all for me. "You can't go to your friends house." "You can't go outside, it's too cold."(Even though I could just wear a jacket) "Go grab that." "You can't do that, you're not allowed." "Yeah, sure, -insert my name here- would absolutely love going to your house!"(Talking about the house of someone who's pretty much a bitch. Not you Alanna. Or anyone you know.) "Go to church, -insert my name here-,"(talking about the one church which I absolutely hate. Talking about God should be more lively, and the people who talk at that church are anything but lively) "Take care of these little kids, -insert my name here- (I spent that time with a large amount of little kids who delighted it pulling hair, namely, mine.)
It's practically the reason for the Revolutionary War! Doesn't anyone see? My parents don't understand me at all! They don't know how angsty I am, they don't know how much I need help, they don't know how much I actually NEED to read books, they don't know how much I need to be with my REAL friends as much as possible, THEY DON'T KNOW ONE FUCKING THING ABOUT ME!!! Therefore, why should they be the ones making all the decisions of my life? Goddammit, why? It doesn't make sense. Don't get me wrong, I love them and all, but they don't understand me at all and shouldn't be making these decisions for me. Or even saying some of the things they say. (Look at post before this one to understand) IT'S FUCKING WRONG!!!
Oh yeah, of course, I get it. I'm just a useless little girl. A piece of shit. No one should care about me. I'm just there to show that my parents are loving and caring and never do anything wrong to me. Oh no, they never say one goddamned fucking bad thing to or about me. NOT!.
Hehe, fucking. What a lovely word. The way it feels like thick, heavy, melted chocolate, sweet and slightly bitter at the same time. It makes me happy, the word. Hah. I don't know why, but right now, it feels good to say it. Haha. Fucking. Hehe...Hehehe.... It rolls. Chocolate. Pumpkins. It rolls like pumpkins, feels like chocolate. Haha. Dementia. Disturbia. Haha. The song is ringing through my head now, like chimes and gongs combined. Chongs. Haha. "Disturbia..." Haha. Now there's another song in my head. I don't remember the name. Hehe. Heeheehee. Yes, I realize I'm going crazy. But that's a good thing. Eventually I'll be insane enough that I'll kill myself. Then I'll be in Hell and I'll be so insane and I'll be giggling so madly that the Devil with beg God to take me back into Heaven. And then God will go, "Hell, no!" Because I won't stop giggling, won't stop being insane, because I know too much about the world too early. And I can't take the pressure alone, but everyone's left me alone, except for people who are too far to help, so now my mind has collapsed, like a tree with too much ice on it. Haha. Chocolate. Fucking. Goddamned retarded. Shit. Fuck. Simile. Tangerines. Oranges. Mike Ikes. Haha. Ahahaha. And then I'll get sent back to Earth, because neither God nor the Devil wants me. And then I'll run around and kill people I hate and commit suicide, but I'll be sent back here because God and the Devil still won't want me.
Hehe. Demented. That's what I am right now. My soul is sagging, coming apart at the seams. I'm coming apart. My sanity is hardly a flicker in my mind anymore. Chocolate. Marshmallows. S'mores. Fuck. Damn. Piss. God. Shit. Bitch. Ass. Asshole. Goddamned Fucking Pissing Asshole of a Bitch. Haha.
There's no reason for anyone to care about me. I'm just your average shit that you see sometimes. Hehe.
No reason for living or dying for me.
"No reason to cry anymore, uh-uh-uh, no reason to die anymore, I got the love of Jesus in my heart!" Uh, no. Church song. Used to make me happy. Now it makes me mad. Who wrote it, anyways? There's always a reason to cry, always a reason to die.
HaHa. hAhAhA. AHAHAHAHAHA. I'm going crazy, there's nothing anyone near me can do about it, tra la laaaa! Hheehehehehehehehehehheheheheheheheheheh.
Parent/Teacher Conferences, uggh...
A few days ago, my parents and I went to the Parent/Teacher conferences... It went well enough for my parents, but it was all downhill as far as I was concerned. My teacher was nice, he was helpful, all that yada yada, but he kept going back to the fact that I often (a lot of the time accidentally) forget my homework. I either forget to do it, I decide to do it later and then forget, or I do it and leave it at home by accident. It's so infuriating when I do the last one. Once, on a project, I stayed up until almost TWELVE FREAKIN' O'CLOCK and then guess what? I LEFT IT AT HOME!!!! THAT WAS SO FUCKING ANNOYING!!!
And so, we talked to my teacher, talked about how I have oh so much potential (Surely he tells that to EVERYONE) and how I was wasting it all because I dislike homework and how I often forget stuff (Not my fault! It's my brain's fault!) and because I prefer reading and writing as I please rather than doing homework (maybe that's my fault...).
And I know my teacher was well meaning and stuff, but on the way home, with my parents, I honestly could not tell if they meant well or if they really just wanted me to cry. They said things like, "I'm so disappointed in you, -insert my name which you're not supposed to know here-, you should really be doing better, why aren't you doing well?" at first, then it evolved into, "Well, of course, I wasn't really expecting you to win the Spelling Bee anyways," and in my head I was going, "Great, thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. I won the school spelling bee in 5th grade, and I got second place the next year, most people can't do that, why are you trying to put me down?" because that's at least the 5th time he'd told me he didn't expect me to win the Spelling Bee. And then that evolved into, "If you don't start doing better, we'll restrict your reading, and game time" and I felt the need to scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? READING AND VIDEO GAMES ARE PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE ALL MY ANGST IN LIFE!!!" But of course, they're completely unaware of how much their words are killing me, they're even unaware that I'm suffering badly from just about everything.
When I got home, I immediately shut the door, then I spent a long time petting my stuffed animal cats that my aunt brought for me from China, and crying......
And now my mom is screaming at me again, dammit. I have to stop typing now.
And so, we talked to my teacher, talked about how I have oh so much potential (Surely he tells that to EVERYONE) and how I was wasting it all because I dislike homework and how I often forget stuff (Not my fault! It's my brain's fault!) and because I prefer reading and writing as I please rather than doing homework (maybe that's my fault...).
And I know my teacher was well meaning and stuff, but on the way home, with my parents, I honestly could not tell if they meant well or if they really just wanted me to cry. They said things like, "I'm so disappointed in you, -insert my name which you're not supposed to know here-, you should really be doing better, why aren't you doing well?" at first, then it evolved into, "Well, of course, I wasn't really expecting you to win the Spelling Bee anyways," and in my head I was going, "Great, thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad. I won the school spelling bee in 5th grade, and I got second place the next year, most people can't do that, why are you trying to put me down?" because that's at least the 5th time he'd told me he didn't expect me to win the Spelling Bee. And then that evolved into, "If you don't start doing better, we'll restrict your reading, and game time" and I felt the need to scream, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!? READING AND VIDEO GAMES ARE PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY WAY TO ESCAPE ALL MY ANGST IN LIFE!!!" But of course, they're completely unaware of how much their words are killing me, they're even unaware that I'm suffering badly from just about everything.
When I got home, I immediately shut the door, then I spent a long time petting my stuffed animal cats that my aunt brought for me from China, and crying......
And now my mom is screaming at me again, dammit. I have to stop typing now.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
A question.
If you had a chance to die, without pain, without sorrow, to simply fade out of life, would you take it? If you simply left the world, left behind all of your own sorrow, your own pain... If the world acted almost self-sealing, and life could continue on with no sorrow because of your leaving... Just leave behind a world that will function almost the same without you, let go of all your sorrow, just allow yourself to be wrapped up in white blankness, eternal sleep? No turmoil. No pain. No sorrow. No thoughts to disrupt. Just white blankness, like the softest blankets, wrapped around your consciousness, protecting you, not suffocating you in any way, just comforting you. If the chance to have that came to you, would you take it?
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Gomen-nasai
Sorry, I don't really feel like posting anything today, so what little readers I have will have to go without a dose of angst today. Maybe some other day. Also, I'm thinking about making a blog on recoloring and possibly banner making when I figure it out. If I do make it, check it out sometime.
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