....

I don't have very long to type this, I'm only on for a few more minutes while I'm supposedly typing out homework. I have a few things I need to say...

First of all, I have the feeling no one is reading this blog at all... that makes me feel like I'm talking to an empty, nonexistent audience...... And that makes me feel cold and alone.....

On a happier note.... well, I think it's happy... although it confuses me... anyways! Today, at Algebra, I was feeling strangely disappointed, because... that person was not there in the beginning. So I was reading because technically we were working on a review but I'd already finished it, so I was looking away from the door and talking to one of my sort-of friends who I'd met recently, and suddenly he walked right past me, and I kinda jerked in surprise... I felt a strange thing then... in the center of my upper left arm, a kind of weird lightning bolt seemed to jerk from their across my chest... it was like the outside was icy and shocking and the inside was kinda warmish and good feeling...

Then also when he was standing in front of my desk to talk to the teacher (my table which I share with another person which I also call my desk is right in front of the board... his table is in the 3rd row from front to back.) and he pointed out that I got a 48/48 on a hard quiz and complimented me... if I were a fangirlish type I would squeal... but that would be slightly pathetic.......

And then, in the end of class, well, you see, yesterday, we had an orchestra concert, with 7th grade, 8th grade, and Rock Orchestra. Rock Orchestra is performing again tomorrow at the Borders at Eastgate, and I'm going tomorrow, and anyways... we we standing next to each other in line to go out, and he asked me if I liked Rock Orchestra (he's in it, along with two of my other minicrushes...) and I said yeah, and I also mentioned that I was going to Borders to watch it again, and he said something like, "Too bad I'm not going. Instead, I'm going to Columbus to watch gymnastics!" And he said it like it was the last thing he wanted to do, which it probably was, so I responded sarcastically, "Have fun!" and he said back, "Shut up, I know where you go to school!" in a sarcastic and funny way, and I burst out laughing.... you probably get why. If you're too dense to realize, we both were in school at the moment. Lol. I'm grinning like a maniac right now....

The majority of my minicrushes I realize are mostly just really good friends. However, there are 3 exceptions to that. One is the obvious one who went to MathCounts (btw we were in 14 place, which is impressive, considering that we have a life after school and don't spend every day studying for the competition our whole lives, like Sycamore and Mason do apparently) and is in my Algebra class and I look for when I'm going to Encores and he's at lunch at the time... I'm only looking because I want to see him, not to talk to him or anything.... The other two exceptions, one is because there are actually rumors going around that he really likes me (a random eighth grader who probably knew my name from Algebra told me I was the only thing that the minicrush talked about)(Oh yeah, all of my minicrushes besides the MathCounts/Algebra one are 7th graders like me) and the other is because he's also smart and funny and nice and kinda like the 8th grade crush... like, he has the same qualities, but in different ways, if you get what I mean....

But why on earth am I talking about my pathetic excuse for a love life? Anyways, I've been channeling my angst into stories right now, leaving little for a blog post, but I'll try to get together those last bits...

You know...
it's pathetic, if you think about it.
The way that I'm always pining after boys.
And boys tend to be heartbreakers in stories, even if not on purpose...
And eventually, I'm going to crack from not admitting my possible feelings....
Because I've been watching my 8th grade crush for a while now...
And he seems so awesome...
And nice...
But...
I don't really know much about him...
I don't know anything about him other than that he plays cello...
Is really nice, funny, and handsome...
Is good at math and competitive...
He seems so damn perfect to me... and I feel that I want to be with him...
But still...
I don't know if he has a girlfriend already...
I don't know if he's even interested at all in girls...
I don't really know the full extent of him at the time...
It's possible that my mind is making false connections between the quizzes and reality...
Oh yeah, I remember a forward from a long time ago.
One part was that you connected people with colors in your mind that meant something.
One color was red, and I didn't have anyone that I associated with red.
The closest I could get was orange... so I put someone down who was orange.
It said, "Red is the color of a person you love."
Which, if the person had actually been connected to red, would have meant I was a lesbian...
-sweatdrop-
but really, I connected her to a yellow-y orange. So I don't think it counts.
But right now...
I think...
That person...
Is connected to the color red in my head...
But...
Is this really...
Right and true?
Do I really and truly love him?
I don't know...
It causes confusion and conflict in me.
I don't know if I really and truly love him or not...
I think I do...
But I don't know...
I don't have enough life experience...
Is it worth it?
To love someone really and truly and accept even if they end up spurning and scorning you for loving them?
Because...
I'm afraid that will happen...
if I tell him how I feel.
But I don't know how I can hold these feelings in me forever.
And next year, he will go to high school.
and here, there are two public high schools.
Which means...
If he goes to the other...
I might never see him again.
I can't stand that thought.
It makes an icy coldness rush through my chest and rise in my throat.
It hurts...
But why does it hurt?
Why should it really matter to me that much?
And...
Is this just hormones?
Or is this true love?
I don't know...

Now I feel all somber and sad... oh yeah! There was something else I wanted to tell you.

On Tuesday, I was on the Activity Bus to get home...
And there was a group of Seventh Graders and a group of Eighth Graders.
They started arguing (and the Eighth Graders said 'sevvies' like it was a bad thing...)
and they started saying weird stuff.
One of the eighth graders was particularly 'evil'... he started cussing and saying inappropriate things.
Like this one:
"Your mother's like a hardware store. 35 cents a screw!" which, as you can tell, made me feel nervous.
There were 2 male eighth graders and 3 females.
And the evil one started making fun of the way that the other male seemed to like one of the females.
Leading to the female denying it.
Leading to the breaking of the male's heart.
Does a broken heart really hurt that much?
He curled up on his seat.
He'd only known the girl for a few weeks, and yet he loved her enough that it would hurt him to the point where, even though he'd been rowdy before, he was extremely quiet...
Seriously, does a broken heart hurt that much?
And if I were to confess my feelings...
Will it hurt me that much, too?
He felt better later, though, because the girl and I both made an effort to cheer him up.

And I've been typing so long, even though I didn't mean to...
I nearly got caught several times.
So now I need to go.
Bye~